Battle of the Sexes
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My (belated, sorry!) Valentine's Day story this year. After all three of their boyfriends forget to make plans on Valentine's Day, Catwoman, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn determine to go someplace where they won't have to deal with men ever again - the women-only island of Themyscira. Will the men fight to get them back, and will they win against an army of Amazons?
1. Chapter 1

**Battle of the Sexes**

 **Four Weeks Until Valentine's Day**

"It's over, Joker," Batman said, standing over the Clown Prince of Crime with his fist raised. "Your insane plan ends right now…"

"Just what about my plan is so insane?" demanded Joker, wiping the blood from his lip. "You don't think Gotham would be improved by turning City Hall into an amusement park? You can't tell me that wouldn't bring a lot more happiness than those politicians ever could!"

"I think the animatronic clowns are probably the very definition of insanity," retorted Batman.

"Are you talking about the actual clowns, or the politicians?" chuckled Joker. "They look kinda like animatronics to me! No real human beings talk the way they do!"

"I'm not discussing your ridiculous plan with you!" snapped Batman. "Just tell me where you've taken the mayor, and I might spare you some pain…"

The threatening moment was interrupted by a strange beeping. "Is that a bomb countdown?!" demanded Batman.

"I think it's your cell phone," said Joker, nodding at his utility belt. "It's not coming from me."

Batman said nothing, keeping his fist raised while his other hand went into one of the pockets of his utility belt to answer the ringing phone. "Hello? Yes, speaking. Well, I do have a cold right now, which explains why I don't sound like him," he snapped, angrily. "Ok, thank you. Thanks for letting me know. Bye."

He hung up the phone, replacing it in his belt. "Now…you were about to tell me where the mayor is…" he began.

"Who was on the phone?" asked Joker.

"None of your business!" snapped Batman.

Joker sighed. "Well, the only way I'm talking is if you talk first," he said, settling down and crossing his legs. "A sorta information exchange. You tell me who was on the phone, and I tell you where the mayor is."

Batman growled. "It was a restaurant I'm booking for…Valentine's Day," he muttered. "Just confirming my reservation."

"You and me?" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I'm touched, Batsy!"

"Not you!" snapped Batman. "Me and my girlfriend, obviously!"

"Is that still the stray cat?" asked Joker. "She gets around so much that I forget when you two are on or off."

"It is Selina, not that it's any of your business," snapped Batman. "Now tell me where the mayor is!"

"He's safe, Batsy," said Joker. "Harley's looking after him at the dump. Again, a fitting place for a politician, wouldn't you say?" he added with a grin.

Batman said nothing, grabbing Joker by the back of his collar and dragging him toward the Batmobile. "Watch the hands," commented Joker, as Batman handcuffed him and shoved him inside. "I have a girlfriend too, Batsy, but people will talk!" he giggled.

"Yes, they will," sighed Batman, as he started the engine and headed toward the dump.

"So which restaurant is it that you've booked?" asked Joker.

"Like I'd be stupid enough to tell you so you can crash it," retorted Batman.

"Don't flatter yourself – I have plans with my girlfriend on Valentine's Day," sniffed Joker. "I was looking for a restaurant recommendation, actually."

"Anyone but mine, how's that?" asked Batman.

"But I can't know which is yours unless you tell me, can I?" asked Joker with a grin.

"I'm not telling you," snapped Batman. "Anyway, it'll be fully booked already."

"Someplace fancy and exclusive, huh?" asked Joker, casually.

"I already said I'm not telling you," retorted Batman. "But you better get to booking something," he added. "Valentine's Day is only a month away."

"Yeah, and Harley will kill me if I don't do anything for it," said Joker, nodding. "Stupid women and their stupid obsession with stupid holidays. Still, what are you gonna do?" he sighed.

"Dump your girlfriend so she can find a better boyfriend?" suggested Batman.

Joker snorted. "Yeah, right. There's no one out there who'd make a better boyfriend than me, Bats. Not even you, although don't think I haven't thought about it," he chuckled.

Batman sighed again. "I kid, I kid," said Joker. "Still, I don't imagine I'll be able to do any restaurant booking in Arkham," he added, sighing wistfully.

"You get a phone call," retorted Batman. "And you're not guilt-tripping me into letting you go so you can book a Valentine's Day meal for your girlfriend."

Joker shrugged. "Worth a shot," he muttered, leaning back. The car approached the dump and Joker sighed. "Well, we'll probably be outta there in a week or so anyway. That's plenty of time to think about Valentine's Day, right?"

 **Two Weeks Until Valentine's Day**

"So that's the plan, J," said Two-Face.

"I just don't really see the joke in taking out a bridge," retorted Joker, his arms folded across his chest.

"It's not just any bridge – it's the 22nd Street Bridge," said Two-Face. "See, it's got two 2s in there."

"And I repeat, I don't see the joke," said Joker.

Two-Face sighed. "Look, I know it's not funny per se, but that bridge is one of the main routes into Gotham. If it was disrupted somehow, Gotham would lose millions in business and tourism…"

"Really, that's the plan?" interrupted Joker. "Hinder Gotham's economic growth a little? There's nothing funny about economics. Plus they already got Batman hindering its economic growth by destroying vast swathes of the city in pursuit of us."

"Can't you just do something for once that's not a joke?" asked Two-Face.

"It's sorta my thing, hence the name," retorted Joker.

"J, you have the most explosives on hand outta any of the supercriminals, and I need a lot to blow up this bridge," said Two-Face. "So why don't you just help a pal out? I'll pay you…"

"Do I look like I care about money?" demanded Joker.

"No, but with Valentine's Day coming up, it might be good to have some extra cash to splash out on Harley a little," said Two-Face. "Women love that."

"So what are you doing for Pammie?" asked Joker.

"Pammie's not my girlfriend," said Two-Face. "She made that very clear – we are not in a relationship, and therefore I am not obligated to do anything for her for Valentine's Day."

"She said that?" asked Joker.

"Well, no…not in so many words," said Two-Face. "But Valentine's Day is a thing couples do, and Pammie has specifically said that we are not a couple. She says labels were invented by the patriarchy in order for men to control women by labeling them as their girlfriends, hence their property."

"No fooling?" said Joker. He whistled. "I gotta meet this patriarchy someday – they sound fun. But that's a pretty sweet gig you got going on there, Harv. Fairly regular sex but no formal commitment. And even better, no stupid romantic gestures that women in relationships always want."

"Yeah, it's…much better than a real relationship," said Two-Face, in a tone which was clearly trying to convince himself. "But I guess it does save time and money, and it lets me make my own plans during the holidays."

"So you're spending Valentine's Day blowing up this bridge?" asked Joker. "I gotta say, it doesn't necessarily sound a step up from stupid romantic gestures."

"The coin came up with the plan, not me," snapped Two-Face. "I just do what it says, ok?"

"So in that way, the coin is your woman, huh?" chuckled Joker.

"Shut up!" snapped Two-Face. "I bet it's better than your plan for Valentine's Day anyway!"

"Nah, at least I get good food," said Joker. "And the opportunity to cause a little chaos among the rich snobs in a fancy restaurant."

"Where have you booked?" asked Two-Face.

"Nowhere yet – I've been locked up," retorted Joker.

"You better get on it – Valentine's Day is only two weeks away, and things are probably already booked pretty solid," said Two-Face.

"What are you, Harley nagging me about this now?" demanded Joker. "I'll get it done, ok? If everywhere's booked, I'll just tell Harley that I preferred a romantic Valentine's Day in, snuggling with her in front of a fire I set in a fireworks warehouse. She'll love that."

"Whatever – it's not my problem," said Two-Face, shrugging. "But if you forget to do anything for Valentine's Day, it'll probably be yours, and the last problem that you'll ever have. Harley's not the kinda girl who's gonna forgive you for something like that – she'll probably kill you."

"Hey, I know how to handle my own dame, all right?" snapped Joker. "First of all, Harley would forgive me anything. And second of all, I'm not gonna forget. You can't go anywhere in this town without seeing hundreds of signs about Valentine's Day sales, and you can't turn on the TV without a hundred commercial reminders. But I'm a busy guy at the moment – I got a million meetings since busting outta Arkham, I got a battle with the Bat planned for the next three nights, and I got to make some more Joker toxin on a mass scale. These are all higher priorities than calling some stupid restaurant to make a dinner reservation for some dumb, fake holiday with a woman I already have dinner with every night. Harley will understand that if I don't get around to making plans for Valentine's Day. She loves me, and she understands that a man with as busy a lifestyle as mine has sometimes gotta put business before pleasure, because she's a reasonable gal."

"Sure she is," said Two-Face, wondering how many days after forgetting Valentine's Day the Joker would be allowed to live. He was guessing less than two.


	2. Chapter 2

**One Week Until Valentine's Day**

"Puddin', are you sure you don't want any help with the planning?" asked Harley Quinn.

"I ain't never needed your help before, so why would I need it now?" asked the Joker, not looking up from the blueprint he was working on.

"I meant for…um…next week," said Harley, tentatively.

"I don't have a scheme for next week yet – gotta see how this one goes first," retorted Joker, still not looking up. "Who knows? This could be the one gag that actually kills the Bat, so I might not even need a scheme for next week."

"I actually meant Valentine's Day," said Harley, realizing that subtlety wasn't the Joker's strong suit. "Now I know you said you'd handle it this year, but it's always been something I've planned and you've just gone along with. Are you sure you're up to planning it yourself?"

"Jesus, Harley, what kinda idiot do you take me for?" asked Joker, rounding on her angrily. "If I can come up with these complicated death traps for the Bat, I can make a phone call to a stupid restaurant and pick up some flowers! Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you don't think I'm capable of that!"

"I do think you're capable, puddin'," said Harley, nodding. "I'm just not sure I…" She trailed off.

"You're not sure you what?" demanded Joker.

"I'm not sure I…trust you," stammered Harley. "I mean, you are a busy guy with a lot on your plate, and if you want me to take over the Valentine's Day plans, I'd be happy to…"

She flinched and stepped back as the Joker suddenly rose to his feet. "You don't trust me?" he repeated. "You don't think I'm the kinda guy you can depend on?"

"I…uh…" stammered Harley, wondering if she should lie and say she did.

"Because you know who sure as hell does think I'm dependable?" continued Joker, grabbing the paper from his desk and shoving it into her face. "Batman! I have planned approximately 1,992 different crimes, schemes, and battles that depend on me saying I'll show up and following through, and I have never, ever let him down!"

"Yeah, but…this is different, puddin'," said Harley. "You're used to making these plans with Bats, but I'm just not sure you'll…think about making plans with me without being prompted by me. You like your routines, because you're a comedian, and your routine with Batman is something you're used to, but stuff like Valentine's Day is still fairly new to you, and you might…you might…"

"Blow the routine?" finished Joker. "Is that what you think I'm going to do, Harley? You think that I, the greatest comedian in the world, can't complete a simple Valentine's Day routine?"

"I'm not meaning any of this as an insult, puddin' – I'm just offering to help you," said Harley. "To ease a load off your mind. I enjoy planning this stuff, y'see, so it wouldn't be a chore for me like it might be for you…"

"No, you're just possessive and controlling," snapped Joker.

" _I'm_ possessive and controlling?" repeated Harley.

"Yeah," said Joker, nodding. "You say you're offering to organize this in order to help me so you'll seem like a nice, thoughtful girlfriend, but in actuality you just can't stand giving me control over our Valentine's Day plans. Because you think I might do something that might not fit in with your perfect Valentine's Day fantasy. If you're in charge of it, you can plan it how you want, but the fact that you're not in charge is just eating up a control freak like you, isn't it? Admit it."

"I'm sorry, you think I'm the control freak in this relationship?" asked Harley. "Have you met you? For someone who supposedly loves chaos and randomness, you are the most controlling person on the face of the planet. You once made me hand-paint your face onto a thousand balloons because the balloons I ordered were plain white ones instead of having your face printed on them."

"The scheme was called, '1000 Faces of Death' – it wouldn't have worked with balloons without my face on them!" snapped Joker. "There wouldn't have been any joke! And I had to cancel the scheme anyway because you couldn't get them all painted in time! Which was your fault, and which was doubly your fault because you didn't get the order right and get my face printed on them in the first place! And you wonder why I can be controlling when my help is so incompetent?!"

"Fine, if I'm so incompetent, you can plan Valentine's Day yourself!" snapped Harley. "And it had better be perfect! And that's the last time I offer to help you with anything, you ungrateful jerk!"

"It's gonna be a magical evening, because you won't be involved in organizing any part of it!" snapped Joker. "Your Valentine's Days have always been kitsch and gaudy and awful, full of syrupy love poems and nauseating stuffed animals with 'You're my sexy beast' written on them, but not this year! This year we're finally gonna have a tasteful, classy Valentine's Day."

"Yeah, the guy who dresses in purple and orange can talk to me about gaudy and kitsch," muttered Harley under her breath as she turned away.

Her arm was suddenly seized. "What was that, Harley?" demanded Joker. "Speak up."

"I didn't say anything, Mr. J," replied Harley. "You must be hearing things in your old age."

"You calling me old?" he demanded, seizing her other arm.

"If the shoe fits," replied Harley, shrugging. "And your shoes have spats on them, so…yeah, I guess I am."

"You trying to be funny, you little brat?" he snapped. "Because you ain't! The way I dress is the definition of taste and class – spats and a tailcoat is what Fred Astaire wore, and you don't get classier than that!"

"Does that make me Ginger Rogers, puddin'?" asked Harley, excitedly. "I've always thought the two of us could do one of their old dance numbers together…"

"You'd trip over your heels, you little klutz," retorted Joker.

"And then you could laugh at me," said Harley, nodding.

Joker thought for a moment. "Well, maybe I'll add that to the Valentine's Day list," he said at last.

Harley giggled. "Can't wait, puddin'," she said, kissing him. "I know whatever you plan is gonna be just the best, because you're just the best."

"Yes, I am," agreed Joker. "You're damn lucky to have me, and don't you forget it."

Harley kissed him again. "You need a little study break to tinker around with your Harley?" she purred, playing with his bowtie.

"We got a week to Valentine's Day – you'll get sex then," retorted Joker, shoving her away. "I got work to do."

"We could warm-up for Valentine's Day," pressed Harley. "Have a practice session…"

"You want sex on Valentine's Day?" interrupted Joker. Harley nodded vigorously. "Then stop nagging me for it now," snapped Joker. "Who gets sex twice in two weeks? You're just being greedy."

"I guess I am," sighed Harley. "I just love you so much, puddin'."

"I know you do," said Joker, nodding. "And you're gonna love me even more after Valentine's Day – it's gonna knock your socks off."

"I'm really, really looking forward to it, puddin'," sighed Harley, kissing him and heading off, smiling.

Joker thought for a moment, tapping his pencil against the table, and then returned to his plan for Batman. "I got a week to come up with something," he muttered to himself. "Plenty of time."


	3. Chapter 3

**Valentine's Day**

That morning, the Joker had completely forgotten it was anything but another day for a crime. But Harley hadn't. She woke up beaming, but tried to pretend to still be asleep as she heard the Joker climb out of bed – he was probably off to go make her breakfast in bed, or prepare some other kind of romantic surprise. She lay in bed with her eyes shut for about half an hour, before she finally sat up, confused as to why he hadn't returned.

She pulled on her bathrobe and headed into the kitchen, but Joker wasn't there, and breakfast clearly hadn't been made, as the place was still clean. She found him in his study, hunched over his plans, as usual.

"Morning, puddin'," she purred, sliding up behind him and putting her arms around him as she kissed his cheek.

He grunted in response. "What have we got planned for today?" she breathed, nibbling on his earlobe.

"Stop pawing me, would ya?" he snapped. "We don't got anything planned for today until this evening!"

"Oh," said Harley, surprised. Her Valentine's Day plans usually lasted most of the twenty-four hours that made up the day, but if Mr. J was confining his surprise to the evening, that was fine too. She couldn't imagine anything more perfect than a romantic evening that ended with a bang. "Sounds good, puddin'," she said. "So where are we going this evening?"

"Dini Towers," retorted Joker, turning his attention back on his plans.

"Dini Towers?" repeated Harley, trying not to shriek with excitement. "You mean the most expensive, most exclusive restaurant in all of Gotham City?"

"That's what I mean," said Joker, nodding. "Being the most expensive and most exclusive is kinda the point, doncha think?"

"I sure do, puddin'," breathed Harley, her eyes shining. "Oh, I love you so much!" she said, kissing him repeatedly all over his face.

Joker sighed irritably. Harley was clearly in a frisky mood today for some reason, and if he didn't want to keep being interrupted in putting the finishing touches on his plan for tonight, where he and the gang were going to stage a robbery of the most expensive restaurant in Gotham and fleece some rich snobs, he knew he had to keep Harley away from him somehow.

"Look, why don't you go out and buy yourself something nice, huh?" he asked. "We should both look stunning for this thing tonight – go get a fancy dress or something. Here's some cash – steal it if it's more than that," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a few dollar bills.

"I will, puddin'," said Harley, hugging and kissing him again. "I'll look like a knockout, I promise! I'm gonna get my hair done someplace fancy, and my makeup…"

"I don't know why you'd bother with that – nobody usually sees your hair in your jester hat, and your makeup looks fine the way you do it," said Joker. "I don't think professional makeup artists are trained in the clown look anyway."

"Oh…ok," said Harley, slowly. "I thought you wanted me to doll up…"

"Yeah, but there's no need to go overboard," said Joker, shrugging. "I want you to be recognizable, and the jester hat and clown makeup is kinda your trademark. It looks fine."

"Well, I kinda wanna look more than fine tonight," said Harley. "I mean…I wanna look really beautiful for you, so the night will end…with a bang."

"Don't you worry about that, toots!" chuckled Joker. "Whatever happens, this night is definitely gonna end with a bang! Maybe even a few!"

"A…few?" stammered Harley, elated. "Oh…oh, puddin'! Are you sure you're up to that? I mean, I don't wanna pressure you…"

"You're not pressuring me into anything – I'd be happy to do it multiple times," said Joker, presuming they were talking about killing people.

Harley, presuming they were talking about sex, beamed, and then hugged Joker tightly, smothering him with kisses again. "I can't wait, puddin'!" she giggled. "I'm sure it'll be a performance for the ages!"

"You'd better believe it will," said Joker, nodding. "Now I got few things to pick up beforehand, toys and stuff, so why don't you go out shopping, and I'll meet you at the restaurant at 7 PM sharp. Don't be late – I don't wanna ruin the surprise before you get there."

"Ok, puddin'," said Harley. "See you tonight, my cuddly, sexy love bear!" she cooed, kissing him again and skipping off.

"What is with her today?" muttered Joker, turning his attention back to his plans. He sighed, pulling out his phone. "Better call the guys and have them meet us at the restaurant – this plan ain't gonna work unless we all show up at the same time ready to hold up the place."

He had just finished making individual calls to his henchmen when his phone rang. "Hello?" asked Joker, answering it.

"J, you two-faced, under-handed son of a bitch!" roared an angry voice on the other end.

"Now Harvey, should you really be calling other people that?" asked Joker.

"These explosives you gave me don't work!" yelled Two-Face. "I'm here trying to detonate a bridge, and something is wrong with this detonator, because there's no kaboom!"

"You do know how to use a detonator, right?" asked Joker. "You press the big, red button…"

"Don't patronize me, you cheating clown!" snapped Two-Face. "How dare you sell me faulty explosives?!"

"They're not faulty – you're just an idiot," retorted Joker. "You must have hooked 'em up wrong, or done something to the wiring while you were moving 'em…"

"Ok, well if you're so smart, come over and fix them!" snapped Two-Face.

"Ok, I will!" snapped Joker. "Nobody calls the Joker a cheater when he's not actually cheating anyone! I mean, I have cheated people before, when there was a good joke involved, but this is not one of those times, and I won't let you slander my good name like that! I'll see you in five," he said, hanging up his phone and putting it back in the pocket of his robe. He then went to go get dressed in his usual purple suit, and in his haste forgot to transfer the phone from his bathrobe into his suit pocket, causing him to leave his phone behind in the hideout. That was the first mistake he would make today, but it was far from the last.


	4. Chapter 4

"No, see, you've done this all wrong!" exclaimed the Joker, as he arrived at the 22nd Street Bridge to see Two-Face and several of his henchmen standing around and looking very annoyed. "Look, some of this wiring isn't even connected!" he exclaimed, bending down and picking up some loose wires off the ground. "I don't know where you get your help, Harv, but it's even more incompetent than mine, and I didn't think that was possible! This is bomb-making, not rocket science, you morons! A child can do it!"

"Here," snapped Two-Face, handing him a set of pliers. "You fix it, then."

"I think your main problem is that you've run out of wiring," commented Joker, studying the bombs set up along the bridge. "Do you really need double wires on all these?"

"Yes," retorted Two-Face. "The coin said so."

Joker sighed. "Hoo boy," he muttered, kneeling down to tinker with one of the bombs. "This is why you shouldn't give explosives to the mentally unstable."

Two-Face's phone rang suddenly, and he answered it. "Hello? Oh…hi, Pam," he said, lowering his voice. "How are you…where am I? I'm on the 22nd Street Bridge making some bombs with J…"

"Hi, Literal Plant Lover!" chuckled Joker, waving at the phone.

"What do you mean is he…no, of course he's not my date!" snapped Two-Face. "Why would you say…Pammie, are you actually upset about that? You can't be mad at me…because you said we aren't a couple! I didn't think I was obligated…well, ok, I mean, I can throw something together for this evening…baby, you can't be angry…and you can't blame me for this! You specifically said we're not in a relationship! What am I supposed to interpret that as?! Baby…baby, no…baby, calm down…baby…"

He put the phone down slowly. "Uh…J…I think we'd better…run," he stammered.

"Why?" demanded Joker, but he got his answer that moment as giant plant roots suddenly burst from the ground, entangling the bridge and crushing it in their grip, which in turn set off the bombs. The explosion sent debris and plant roots and fire spreading into the city.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Joker, as he and Two-Face fled the scene. "What the hell did you do to piss her off?!"

"I still don't think I did anything wrong!" shouted Two-Face. "She said we're not a couple! That means we don't do things on Valentine's Day, right?! That's a reasonable assumption!"

"Nothing about the Plant Lady is reasonable!" shouted Joker. "Anyway, there's no need for her to throw a hissy fit like this – you got time until Valentine's Day!"

"You know it's today, right?" demanded Two-Face.

Joker stopped running suddenly as the realization struck him. "Aw, nuts," he muttered.

"You forgot, didn't you?" asked Two-Face.

"All right, maybe I did!" snapped Joker. "I have more important things on my mind than some dumb holiday! Anyway, I can still fix this – Harley's expecting me at a fancy restaurant tonight for a scheme anyway. I'll just tell her the scheme was dinner with her, and placate her with sex later, and she won't even know I forgot…"

At that moment, the plant roots, which were still rampaging through the city, suddenly knocked over the building under which Joker and Two-Face were standing. They just had time to look up, and for Joker to repeat, "Aw, nuts," when the building fell onto them, trapping them under the debris.

Joker coughed, trying to see anything through the dust. "Harv?" he called. "You ok?"

"I'm ok!" called Two-Face. As the dust settled, they saw that the debris had fallen around them, trapping them under the building. "Do you see any way out?" asked Two-Face, as Joker began feeling around the walls.

"Maybe," he said, trying to shift a steel beam. He quickly stopped when this caused the metal above them to shake, threatening to bring the rest of the building down on top of them. "Nope, bad idea," he said, sliding away from the wall. "Looks like we're trapped here."

"Trapped?" repeated Two-Face. "You mean we're gonna die?"

"Eventually," said Joker, nodding. "When the air is used up, probably after several unpleasant hours of suffocation."

Two-Face stared at him, and Joker burst into laughter. "I'm just messing with ya!" he chuckled, settling down against the debris. "Of course we're not gonna die! This is Gotham, and Batsy is gonna be here any minute to haul us outta here and back to Arkham! He always knows when folks are in danger, it's like a sixth sense with him. And the best part is, I can tell Harley that I did have Valentine's Day plans, but her stupid plant pal ruined them by dropping a building on us! That way it's not my fault that I forgot, it's Pammie's! Remind me to send her a thank you present, like a bag of weed killer."

"Well, I hope Batman hurries up," muttered Two-Face, drawing his knees up to his chest. "I don't like small, confined spaces."

"Oooh, are you gonna have a panic attack?" asked Joker, eagerly. "Can I film it?" he asked, reaching for his phone.

"No!" snapped Two-Face, but then he noticed Joker's face. "What is it?" he asked.

"I don't have my phone," said Joker, feeling his pockets. "Must have left it in the hideout. Do you have your phone, Harvey? Calling for help might be a good idea on the minuscule off-chance that Batsy doesn't show up."

"Yeah," said Two-Face, reaching into his pocket. "No signal here, though. This building must've been made from some heavy duty stuff, probably to make it Batman-destruction-resistant."

"But it's obviously no match for your crazy girlfriend's plant posse," muttered Joker.

"She's not my girlfriend!" snapped Two-Face. "She made that very clear! Which is why I don't know why she's acting like this! I respected her wishes about us not being in a relationship – if she wanted me to do something for Valentine's Day, she should have just told me!"

"Oh, women never tell you things!" snapped Joker. "They expect you all to be mind-readers! Plain speaking isn't something women do – they're taught from an early age to talk in riddles! That's why Eddie Nygma's basically a girl…"

"I just don't know what she wants from me!" exclaimed Two-Face. "At least with your relationship it's simple – Harley just wants you to pay attention to her!"

"Oh, is that all you think she wants?" demanded Joker. "Then you don't know her at all! She's a greedy little brat who's never satisfied with anything I do, and wants all my attention 100% of the time! She wants my every waking moment to be spent demonstrating and declaring my love for her! At least with your thing with Pammie, you can have a life of your own!"

"Well, I used to, but it looks like that life is over unless we get outta here!" snapped Two-Face.

"I told you, Batman is coming!" snapped Joker.

"Maybe he is, or maybe he has plans on Valentine's Day!" snapped Two-Face.

Joker nodded. "He does – he has plans with the back-alley cat. But obviously the lives of his two greatest enemies are much more important than a romantic day with her."

"You don't know people at all, do you?" demanded Two-Face.

"You don't know Batman at all," retorted Joker. "We are the most meaningful relationships he has, much more important than any superficial romance with a woman who could kindly be described as having been around the track a few times."

"Well, I hope you're right," retorted Two-Face, removing his coin from his pocket. "Heads, he's coming, tails, he's not," he said, flipping it up into the air.

It fell to the ground. "Tails," muttered Two-Face, glaring at it.

"Flip it again," snapped Joker.

Two-Face obeyed. "Heads." He looked at the coin. "We'll do best outta twenty. No, best outta fifty," he said, flipping it again.

Joker sighed, leaning back and shutting his eyes and hoping Batman would hurry up before Two-Face got to a hundred.


	5. Chapter 5

"Have I told you that you look beautiful today?" said Bruce Wayne, smiling at Selina Kyle, who was seated across from him at Dini Towers.

"A few times, but once more couldn't hurt," said Selina, smiling back as she sipped a glass of champagne. "I'm really glad you suggested this Valentine's Day brunch, Bruce. And I can't believe I have you all to myself for once. If you haven't got some gala to attend, you're busy with one of your…hobbies," she finished.

"Well, not today," said Bruce, taking her hand. "I've cleared my social calendar completely, and as for my hobby…I have some friends overseeing that. I am keeping the entire day free for just you and me. Anything you want to do, Selina, just let me know, and I'll make it happen. What else are billionaire boyfriends for?"

"Yeah, I knew there was some reason I was dating you in spite of your busy schedule," said Selina, nodding. "So if I wanted dinner on your private jet to Hawaii tonight, you could arrange that?"

"Just let me text Alfred," said Bruce, taking out his phone. To his surprise, it suddenly rang.

"Uh…let me just take this," he said, glancing at the name and turning away from Selina as he answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Bruce, I know you wanted today off, but something's come up," said a voice.

"Clark, I'm sure you guys can handle it," muttered Bruce. "You are the Justice League, after all, blessed with super powers. Surely I'm not needed for whatever this is…"

"It's going on in your backyard," retorted Superman. "There are some rampaging plant vines tearing up Gotham City."

"Oh God, who pissed Ivy off now?" muttered Bruce. "Look, can't you guys cover this for me? I really can't get out of this…very important business meeting I'm attending."

"Bruce, it's Valentine's Day – we know you're on a date," retorted Superman. "I can see you through the walls of the restaurant."

"Then you can use your x-ray vision to find wherever Ivy is hiding out and stop her, can't you?" snapped Bruce.

"Bruce, are you really going to let the people of Gotham suffer when you could be out there doing something to save them?" asked Superman. "I know you, and I know you're not that selfish. If one life can be saved by your actions, you will act. So get out there and save people, like we're all doing, or you can't call yourself a hero anymore."

The phone clicked off, and Bruce pocketed it slowly. "Who was that?" asked Selina.

"Uh…that was…a friend from work," said Bruce. "Um…look, Selina, I know what I just said, but…something's come up."

Selina stopped with her glass raised halfway to her lips. "Which one?" she demanded. "Which one of those insane, selfish ingrates is ruining my Valentine's Day plans now?"

"Ivy," said Bruce. "And I know she's a friend of yours, but I wouldn't feel right just sitting here when…innocent people are out there being hurt. I would be thinking of them rather than you, and you don't want me distracted like that. Please try and understand…"

"You don't have to ask my permission – just go," snapped Selina.

"I'll be back for dinner," said Bruce. "And we'll go on that private jet to Hawaii, just the two of us. I promise," he said, kissing her and hurrying off.

Selina sighed loudly. "This is what I get for dating heroes," she muttered, pouring herself another glass of champagne from the bottle. "But as long as this is all on his tab, I'm gonna make the most of it."

She looked around at all the happy couples surrounding her, and drained the glass, pouring herself another. She thought about going home to her cats, but that might be a bit too depressing on Valentine's Day. As would being out among people, she thought, looking around at the couples again. So she stayed where she was, snacking on the free food, drinking the champagne, and watching footage of the trending attack on Gotham and live clips of the Justice League from her phone. Someone had clearly really pissed Ivy off, thought Selina, as she saw the extent of the devastation. Probably Two-Face – she and Ivy sure could pick the best guys, she thought. But at least neither of them were as bad as Harley…

 _Speak of the devil,_ she thought, as Harley Quinn strode into the restaurant, wearing a fancy dress and smiling broadly. "Hey, Harley, where's the clown?" asked Selina. "Don't tell me he's stood you up on Valentine's Day."

"Nah, he'll be here later – he said he was just picking up a few toys for tonight," giggled Harley. "I got here early because I was too excited to wait. You look like you've been stood up, though," she commented, nodding at the empty chair opposite her.

"My Bat-date had to leave early because of Ivy's Valentine's Day temper tantrum," said Selina, holding up her phone.

"Oh yeah, I saw that on TV. Looks like a good 'un," said Harley, nodding. "Wonder what Harvey did to make her that mad."

"Probably forgot about Valentine's Day," said Selina.

"Talk about World's Worst Boyfriend!" laughed Harley. "Mr. J would never do something like that! And you both always tell me he's terrible."

"He is," retorted Selina. "But at this point, I'm beginning to think all men are."

"Now you're sounding like Red," said Harley. "I know you two have been disappointed in love a lotta times, but as long as you keep the faith and don't give up, you're bound to find a great guy out there who loves you madly, just like I found my Mr. J."

"Yes, I know Ivy and I both dream of an abusive, psychopathic clown to settle down with permanently," muttered Selina, taking another gulp of champagne. "One day…"

At that moment, one of the Joker's henchmen entered the restaurant. "Oh…hi, Roc," said Harley, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi, Harley. J sent me here to scout out this place for tonight," said Rocco. "Make a note of all the exits and entrances, security cameras, alarms, that kinda thing. You look beautiful, by the way."

"Thanks," said Harley, smiling at him. "It's a new dress. Mr. J bought it for me – he gave me three dollars, which I left at the store before stealing it."

"O…K," said Rocco, slowly. "That's…uh…generous of him."

"Yeah, he's a thoughtful guy," sighed Harley. "Like sending you to check and make sure we have a clear escape route if the Bat shows up and decides to crash our date here tonight. Mr. J didn't tell you his plans for tonight or anything, did he? I know he wants it to be a surprise, but I think I'm gonna die from excitement if I have to wait!"

"Uh…he's gonna…come in, interrupt everyone's dinner, hold 'em up at gunpoint, and then leave before Batman shows up," said Rocco. "Or…that was the plan he told me, anyway."

Harley stared at him. "Well, that can't be right. We're supposed to be one of those people having dinner here tonight. I'm not gonna rush through my meal because the Bat's been provoked by Mr. J committing a crime."

"I can check with the other guys, but I'm pretty sure we were all told the same plan," said Rocco.

"You guys are all gonna be here?" asked Harley, even more confused. "But…why would Mr. J want all of you on our date?"

"Maybe he didn't plan a date with you, Harley," suggested Selina. "Maybe he forgot it was Valentine's Day after all."

Harley frowned. "No, that can't be right," she said, standing up and heading over to the server. "Excuse me, sir, do you have a reservation tonight under the name of Joker?"

"Um…no, miss, we don't," said the server, checking quickly through the list.

"He might have booked it under a different name so as not to panic people," said Harley, nodding. "How about Jack White?"

"No, miss, sorry," said the server, checking the list again.

"How about Joe Kerr?" asked Harley.

"No, sorry," repeated the server.

"How about Quinn? Anything under the name Quinn? Or Quinzel?" asked Harley.

"I'm afraid not, miss," he replied.

"How about…Mark Hamill?" asked Harley, rapidly running out of Joker's aliases.

"No, I'm truly sorry, miss," replied the server.

Harley slowly sank back into a chair as tears rose to her eyes. "Maybe…maybe he did forget," she murmured.

"No, that doesn't seem like J!" exclaimed Selina, sarcastically. "He's such a thoughtful guy! He'd never put himself first for anything, and he's always thinking about you and your feelings, Harley! He's a regular Prince Charming – how could he have possibly forgotten to make plans for Valentine's Day?"

"But I reminded him and everything," murmured Harley, trying to hold back her tears. "I even offered to make our plans myself, but he told me he could take care of it. How could he have forgotten?"

"Because all men are scum, Harley," retorted Selina. "Have a glass of champagne and just accept it."

She stood up, taking the champagne bottle with her. "We should go see Ivy, actually. Not only to commiserate about how terrible our boyfriends are, but maybe we can also talk her out of stopping this attack on Gotham. Traffic always sucks for weeks afterward with everyone trying to rebuild things, and that's an annoyance I don't need on top of all the ones I already have."

"Ok," murmured Harley, following Selina out of the restaurant and trying to cry quietly, even though her heart was breaking.


	6. Chapter 6

"The shrinks say it's all about communication," Two-Face was saying. "I mean, not that I've ever been to a relationship counselor, but you pick up things being stuck in Arkham for so long. And apparently women are meant to be better at that than men, but in our relationship, or whatever it is, Ivy doesn't communicate anything, which I think is the root of the problem. I think communication is really the key…" He trailed off when he noticed Joker picking at some of the debris above them. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Trying to break off a piece sharp enough to kill myself with," muttered Joker. "So I don't have to hear any more about you and Pammie. Honestly, Harvey, you're worse than a woman, babbling about your relationship like anyone wants to hear."

"Man or woman, I'm telling you, it's all about communication," retorted Two-Face. "Which is a two-way street. It would definitely help you and Harley too."

"If I wanted your advice about my relationship, I would ask," snapped Joker. "And since your advice would be worse than useless, I would never do that. Harley and me communicate just fine. I tell her what to do, and she obeys me. Couldn't get better communication than that."

"I don't think you understand what communication means…" began Two-Face.

"I think I'm gonna bring this rubble down on top of us if I have to hear that stupid word one more time," interrupted Joker. "Just change the record, huh?"

"I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to analyze the cause of my demise," snapped Two-Face. "And it's a good way to distract myself from thinking about my impending death."

"Neither of us are dying," snapped Joker. "I told you, Batman is coming to save us."

"It's good that you have faith in him, J, but I don't," snapped Two-Face. "It's been two hours, and there's no sign of him."

"Two hours?" repeated Joker, glancing at his watch. "God, it's seemed a lot longer than that with you whining on and on."

"We've maybe got enough oxygen for a couple more, but then it's…" Two-Face trailed off, slicing his hand over his throat.

"You are such a downer, you know that?" snapped Joker. "Maybe that's why Pammie's annoyed at you – women hate brooding, miserable guys."

"Which is why Batman has such a hard time getting dates, I suppose," retorted Two-Face, sarcastically. "You don't know anything about women, do you?"

"Sure I do!" snapped Joker. "And I always thought Bats _did_ have a difficult time getting dates. I mean, what kinda pathetic woman would put up with a guy who treats her as an afterthought to his justice obsession? I expect pathetic from the cat, but surely other dames have gotta have a little self-respect."

"I think people wonder the same thing about you and Harley," said Two-Face.

"Well, they must be idiots!" snapped Joker. "I'm a helluva catch! And Harley is always happy around me, and you know why? Because I'm a fun, cheerful guy who likes to spread smiles! Bats must just date messed up, psycho chicks."

"He dated Wonder Woman," said Two-Face.

"Well, who's to say she's not a messed up, psycho chick?" demanded Joker. "Isn't she some kinda immortal goddess? Those freaks are all messed up!"

At that moment, the debris above them was lifted, letting light shine into the hole. When their eyes adjusted to it, they saw that the huge slab of rubble was being held up single-handed by none other than Wonder Woman.

"Speak of the devil," commented Two-Face.

"You?" snapped Joker, annoyed. "I don't want to be rescued by you, dollface! Where's the Bat?"

"Busy helping other people," retorted Wonder Woman. "You can climb out now, or I can put this back on and let you stay in that hole. It's your choice, Joker."

"I'm not being rescued by anyone but Batman," said Joker, folding his arms across his chest.

Two-Face flipped his coin, which landed good side up. "I am," he said, standing up and climbing out of the rubble.

"The good side means you should stay and wait for Batman!" snapped Joker. "That would be the right thing to do! Or does loyalty mean nothing to you, Harvey?"

"Don't be stupid, J - come on," muttered Two-Face.

"No!" snapped Joker. "It's Batman or no one!"

"Joker, come on!" snapped Wonder Woman. "I have other people to rescue!"

"So go do that – I'm waiting for Batman," said Joker, firmly.

Wonder Woman sighed heavily. "Batman!" she called.

"What is it?" asked Batman, heading over to her.

"Someone insists on being rescued by you," retorted Wonder Woman, nodding into the pit.

Batman looked down and gritted his teeth. "As if my day couldn't get any worse," he muttered.

"Hey, Valentine, thanks for the rescue!" exclaimed Joker, as Batman grabbed him by the back of his collar and hauled him out. "You see how I waited for you when Harvey didn't – he has no respect for tradition. Plus he probably doesn't feel emasculated being rescued by a girl – Pammie's probably already emasculated him both figuratively and literally, knowing her…"

"Where is Ivy?" demanded Batman, turning to face Two-Face. "She's going back to Arkham right now for this stunt."

Two-Face flipped his coin, which landed good side up again. "I'll take you to her," he muttered.

"I'll tag along in case you need back up," said Wonder Woman.

"And I'll tag along for the fun of it!" exclaimed Joker. "So sweetheart, we were debating if you were one of those psycho, messed up chicks," he said, turning to Wonder Woman. "Tell me, that lasso ain't just for getting the truth outta people, is it? You're kinda into the tying people up thing, right? And Bats enjoys it, doesn't he? I know he's never had any complaints when I've done it to him, but of course the feeling's mutual…"

"Shut up, or I'm punching you in the face," interrupted Batman.

"See, he enjoys the rough-housing," said Joker, nodding. "You can punch me if you wanna, Batsy - I know it would be just the thing to get you in the mood for your pussy date on Valentine's Day…"

Batman seized Joker around the throat and lifted him off the ground. "My date had to be postponed because of you idiots!" he shouted. "So it's not a good time to bring that up unless you want me to break your neck!"

"Okie dokie!" said Joker, beaming at him. Batman released him, and Joker massaged his throat, muttering, "That must be the reason why you're so tense – not getting laid enough. Can't you help him out with that, sweetheart?" he asked, turning back to Wonder Woman. "Take it from Harley and me, sex between team members can really add a lotta pizzazz to the whole workplace environment…"

"You know, the lasso isn't just good for making people talk – it can also shut them up," interrupted Wonder Woman, suddenly flinging it around Joker's mouth and pulling tight.

"Thank you," sighed Batman, as Joker struggled to speak through the rope gag. "Now let's go find Ivy."


	7. Chapter 7

Poison Ivy was, at that moment, pouring herself a drink after her temper tantrum and trying to calm down. "Ignore me on Valentine's Day, that selfish, bipolar, two-faced creep!" she muttered, crushing some ice cubes into a cocktail glass. "God, Ivy, you sure can pick 'em! Well, no more! After this, I'm done with men! I'm swearing off all of them permanently!"

There was a knock on her door, and Ivy flung it open. "You better not be here to beg for forgiveness, Harvey…" she began, but stopped when she saw who it was.

"You're not Harvey," she said.

"No, we're not," said Selina, pushing her way inside with Harley following sullenly after her. "But we're here to commiserate. You think Harvey's bad, but the clown completely forgot it was Valentine's Day."

"Well, that seems typical of him," said Ivy, nodding. "Drink?" she asked, holding up her glass.

"I brought champagne," said Selina, holding up her bottle.

"Great," said Ivy. "We can toast to my new resolution – swearing off men forever."

"I'll drink to that," said Selina, clinking her bottle against Ivy's glass and taking a swig out of it. "Though it's honestly your fault my date abandoned me – one little attack on his precious Gotham and he's out the door."

"Well, that's really what you deserve for dating Batman," sniffed Ivy. "He already has a woman in his life, and her name is Gotham City, and no one is more important than her."

"Tell me about it," muttered Selina. "I can't compete with a whole city. Maybe I should swear off men forever too."

Harley remained silent, sitting down in a chair and trying to hold back tears. "C'mon, Harl, have a drink," said Ivy, handing her the cocktail she had made. "It'll make you feel better."

"I don't think it will, Red," murmured Harley.

"Trust me, we're all in the same boat here," said Selina, nodding. "I know Ivy and me have criticized your relationship a lot before, but we're honestly in no position to. Both the men in our lives have disappointed us just as much as the Joker has disappointed you today."

Harley looked up at them. "It's different for me," she murmured. "You gals aren't the type to get hung up on some guy. And you're so strong and confident that you know you can find another one out there, no problemo. When men disappoint you, you dump 'em and move on, because you're so sure you can do better, and you probably can. But with me and Mr. J…it's different. I love him madly, and he's so perfect for me, but he…lets me down a lot. I love so much about him, and when things are good between us, they're very good. I know there's no one out there who's better for me than him, but…he can just be so selfish sometimes. I just wish _he_ could be better…"

"Well, he can't, because he's a man, Harley," snapped Ivy. "And they're all the same. Selfish jerks who'll disappoint you time after time. Which is why I'm swearing off them."

"Me too," agreed Selina. "Strong, independent women like us don't need men to be happy. We can find fulfillment in other ways."

"You mean like stealing jewelry, or developing killer plants?" asked Harley.

"Or taking out whole chunks of the city with plant vines," agreed Ivy, nodding. "That made me feel a little better anyway."

"I just don't think any of that is for me, Red," sighed Harley. "The only things that make me happy remind me of Mr. J, and then I feel sad again. I just wish he appreciated me just a little more, just enough to consider my feelings and to acknowledge the things that are important to me, like Valentine's Day. But he won't change, because he can't. Certainly not for me," she sighed. "He just…doesn't love me that much."

"Hallelujah, she's seen the light," said Selina. "Let's drink to that."

"Amen," said Ivy, taking a swig from her glass.

Harley just stared at her glass, and then put her head in her hands, her tears trickling out from behind her fingers.

Ivy's door was suddenly kicked open. "Batman, you really need to learn to knock," snapped Ivy, standing up as Batman strode into the room. "It's actually illegal to enter someone's home without permission."

"You're really in no position to talk to me about illegal activities, Ivy," snapped Batman.

"Hi, Bats," said Selina, nodding at him as she took another swig from her champagne bottle.

"Selina…what are you doing here?" asked Batman, slowly.

"Just drowning my sorrows with Ivy," said Selina. "But if you're ready to go on that little trip we talked about, I'm willing to forgive you for walking out on me."

"I…uh…just have to take Ivy back to Arkham first," muttered Batman. "Just business, you know…"

"Batman, Joker chewed through my lasso," said Wonder Woman, storming into the room after him. "How in Hera's name do you deal with him on a daily basis?"

Selina stared at her, aghast. "Oh, is this the friend from work who called?" she demanded, rounding on Batman. "Your ex-girlfriend?! You ditched me on Valentine's Day for her?!"

"I ditched you on Valentine's Day because your friend was tearing up the city!" shouted Batman.

"Because my stupid boyfriend was ignoring me!" shouted Ivy.

"I'm not your boyfriend, and I didn't ignore you!" shouted Two-Face from the doorway. "You said we didn't have a relationship! What was I supposed to do on Valentine's Day?!"

"Well, her, obviously!" chuckled Joker, entering the room. "She must get real bored doing plants every day, and wanted to feel a warm body for once, ain't that right, Pammie…" he began, but trailed off when Harley glared up at him, makeup running down her face.

"H…Harley," he stammered. "What are you doing here? And why are you crying?"

"I'm crying because you forgot to make plans for Valentine's Day, you selfish creep!" shrieked Harley. "After I reminded you and everything!"

"No, baby, that's not true – we're going to Dini Towers at 7…" began Joker.

"I ran into Rocco and he told me everything!" shrieked Harley. "That was never meant to be a date – it was another one of your stupid schemes! I just can't believe you forgot! Aren't you meant to be some kinda genius?!"

"Yeah, a criminal genius, not someone who remembers random dates!" snapped Joker. "Especially not a fake, made-up, meaningless holiday!"

"It means something to me!" shrieked Harley. "And if _I_ meant anything to you, you'd remember it! But I don't mean anything to you, do I, Mr. J?!"

"Harley, now is neither the time nor the place for this conversation…" began Joker.

"No, now's the perfect time and place!" screamed Harley. "If you love me, you say it, Mr. J! You say it right now!"

"What…here?" muttered Joker, looking around. "With all these people watching?"

"Yes, here!" shouted Harley. "You should be able to say it anywhere in front of anyone if you mean it! But you don't mean it, do you, Mr. J?!"

"Look, I am not some performing monkey who is just gonna parrot words you wanna hear…" began Joker.

"Say you love me!" screamed Harley. "Say it now, or I swear to God, I'm gone for good, Mr. J! I'm gone someplace you'll never find me, and we are through forever!"

She glared at him, and he stared back at her. "Harley, be reasonable…" he began, but she slapped him hard across the face and raced off, sobbing and slamming the door to the neighboring room after her.

"Harley's got the right idea," said Selina, glaring at Batman. "I'd like to go someplace where I'm never bothered by men again."

"Me too," agreed Ivy. "But sadly there is no such paradise."

Wonder Woman cleared her throat. "Batman, could you take Joker back outside with Two-Face, and leave me to deal with these people?"

"Gladly," muttered Batman, grabbing Joker's arm. "Come on, Joker."

"You'll be back, you ungrateful brat!" shouted Joker at the door as he was dragged out. "You won't last five minutes without me! And you are gonna get such a beating for slapping me that you won't be able to walk for a week!"

Batman slammed the door, leaving Wonder Woman alone with Ivy and Selina. "Actually…there is a place where men cannot go," said Wonder Woman, slowly. "The island where I was born and raised – Themyscira. If you are serious about never wanting to deal with men again, I can grant you safe passage there, and you can live among women until the end of your days."

Selina stared at her. "What, no men at all?"

"None," said Wonder Woman, shaking her head. "No man is allowed to set foot on Themyscira. My sisters the Amazons would destroy them if they tried."

"Why haven't you spoken of this paradise before?!" demanded Ivy, seizing Wonder Woman by the shoulders and shaking her. "I would have gone a long time ago!"

"It is a carefully guarded secret, known only to a privileged few," said Wonder Woman. "But if Batman already intends to lock you up in Arkham for your crimes, Themyscira is a far more permanent solution to his problem of keeping you away from Gotham. Women do not tend to leave there – as you might imagine, a life without men is devoid of many of the sorrows and cares that women experience in this world. I would never have left but for some higher purpose, although some days I do long for a return to that peaceful, serene life. I think you will both be very happy there."

"Why would you help us?" asked Selina, studying her suspiciously. "We're on opposite sides of the law."

"Opposite sides or not, I believe women should help each other," said Wonder Woman. "We should show solidarity with our sisterhood in order to make this world a better place."

"Well, I can't argue with that," agreed Ivy, nodding.

"What about Harley?" asked Selina. "Are we taking her with us to this island too?"

Wonder Woman shrugged. "I think taking her away from the Joker permanently can only be a mercy for her. She will be much happier once she gets used to life without him. He is, after all, the worst of men."

"No arguments here," agreed Ivy. "You know, I don't normally like hero types, Wonder Woman, but if you can actually take the three of us to this women-only utopia, you'll be my hero forever."

"Then it is settled," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "Pack your things, and meet me at the airport tomorrow morning at 7. We'll take my jet, but you'll have to meet me in the terminal first, as it's invisible."

"What about Batman?" asked Selina.

"He won't be a problem," said Wonder Woman, heading toward the door. "I'll tell him you're going to hand yourself into Arkham, Ivy, and then keep him busy with Justice League business. By the time he checks if you've actually done that, we'll be across the ocean, and you'll never have to deal with him again."

"That sounds like paradise already," sighed Ivy. "What do you say, Selina?"

Selina nodded. "Let's do it. But what do we tell Harley? She may be mad at J, but I doubt she'll want to go to an island away from him forever."

"We'll tell her we're taking her on a vacation away from the clown," said Ivy. "And once she gets there and surrounds herself with all these strong, capable female role models, she'll see how women should act, and how they don't need men, and she'll get over the clown no problem."

"Well, I hope you're right," said Selina. "I mean, I guess not even she could still be in love with him after this."


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm not getting in that," announced Harley Quinn the next day, as she, Selina, Ivy, and Wonder Woman stood in front of Wonder Woman's invisible jet, only visible at the moment because of fuel pipes hooked up to it, and people hosing it down.

"I can assure you, it's perfectly safe," retorted Wonder Woman.

"But why can't we just take a normal plane on vacation?" asked Harley.

"Because normal planes don't go to…where we're going," said Ivy. "This secret, surprise place we're taking you on vacation to doesn't…have regular tourism."

"Why not? Is it a warzone?" asked Harley. "Because that sounds like the kinda vacation Mr. J would take me on…"

She teared up again. "He…he woulda loved going someplace where there was a lotta shooting and bombing and killing, and we could die any second…that would have really got him in the mood…"

"Harley, c'mon, don't cry," said Ivy. "And don't think about the clown. I guarantee, once we get to this place, you'll forget all about him. It's not a warzone – it's the exact opposite of that. A peaceful, serene, beautiful paradise."

"Yeah? How come it don't have regular tourism, then?" asked Harley.

"It's one of those secret vacation destinations that people keep hush hush so there's no crowd of tourists," invented Selina. "Like…Superman's Fortress of Solitude."

"I thought that was secret because it's in the Arctic, and no one but Mr. Freeze would willingly go there," said Harley. "Plus who actually likes Superman?"

"He's nice," said Wonder Woman.

"He's nice-looking, for sure, but I don't think he has a brain in his pretty little head," said Ivy. "Not that that's ever been a turn off for me before…"

"You're swearing off men forever, remember, Ivy?" asked Selina.

"Oh yeah…yeah," agreed Ivy. "The definition of Superman is Super Disappointment, am I right, ladies?"

"Superman's a good guy," said Wonder Woman. "There are some out there…"

"No, there are not, and that's why we're swearing off them forever," said Selina. "Even supposed good guys like Batman are a colossal disappointment. He didn't even call last night to apologize to me, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, he's actually on Mars," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "And there's no phone reception there. I figured if we needed him not to check on the situation at Arkham, we needed him off-planet, so Martian Manhunter found a task on his home planet that only Batman could complete."

"Why couldn't Martian Manhunter handle it?" asked Selina. "What special powers does Batman have that would make him useful on Mars?"

Wonder Woman looked uncomfortable. "We sometimes just tell Batman that he's the only one who can handle things to make him feel better – the truth is, he's not really an essential member of the team. But he does try so hard to be useful that we sometimes just give him projects as a reward for his effort. He's a dedicated individual."

"Not to me, he isn't," muttered Selina. "He should probably stay on Mars – that's where men come from, and that's where they should all go back to, right, ladies?"

"Amen to that," said Ivy, picking up her bag. "So are we getting on this invisible jet or what? And how do we do that – are the stairs visible?"

"Just follow my lead," said Wonder Woman.

"I don't like this," said Harley, as the women all piled into the jet. "Maybe we should cancel this vacation and go somewhere where you don't have to fly, like Niagara Falls or something. I've always wanted to go there…"

"Trust me, Harley, this is much better than Niagara Falls," said Ivy.

"Does it have a waterfall?" asked Harley.

"Yes, quite a few," said Wonder Woman, nodding.

"Can you go over them in a barrel?" asked Harley.

"…I'm not sure why you'd want to, but I'm sure that could be arranged, if you were so inclined," said Wonder Woman.

"You think it would be fun to go over a waterfall in a barrel, but you object to flying in an invisible jet?" demanded Selina.

"Well, yeah – I can see the barrel," retorted Harley.

The other three women all shared a look, and then Wonder Woman lowered the hatch on the cockpit (or at least, they thought she did, but they couldn't see the hatch.) "Hang on," she said, reaching for the controls and piloting the jet off the ground.

"How long a flight is it?" asked Ivy. "Do we have time for in-flight drinks? Because I brought stuff to make cocktails with…"

"My jet is outfitted with engines that far surpass those of commercial airlines," said Wonder Woman. "We should be there in under half an hour."

"That's enough time for drinks," said Ivy, unpacking her bag.

"Gee, Red, did you actually bring any clothes?" asked Harley, as she saw how many cocktail ingredients came out of her bag.

"Well, sure, but not many," said Ivy. "No need to impress anyone where we're going, after all, and a lot of my clothes don't take up much space in my bag, or on me, for that matter."

"But aren't you afraid the guys there will get the wrong idea?" asked Harley.

Ivy laughed. "No, I'm really not, Harley," she said, handing her a drink.

"Should we tell her now?" asked Selina, eagerly.

"Tell me…what?" asked Harley, confused.

Ivy beamed. "Harley, the place where we're going is an island called Themyscira, where Wonder Woman is from. And on this island…there are no men."

Harley stared at her. "What…no men at all?" she asked.

"Not a one," sighed Selina, as Ivy handed her a glass. "Doesn't it sound like Paradise Island?"

Harley's brow furrowed in confusion. "So…how does the island maintain a population?"

"Its residents are immortal," replied Wonder Woman. "There is no need for procreation."

"So there are no kids anywhere either?" asked Harley.

"Just gets better and better, doesn't it?" sighed Ivy.

"And I mean, how do they…I mean…how do you…when you get…y'know," stammered Harley. She lowered her voice. "When you want...sex?" she whispered.

"Well, men are not essential for that!" laughed Wonder Woman. "Physical satisfaction can be administered personally, or by another woman. Men are only necessary for procreation, not pleasure."

"I guess…if you're into that," said Harley, slowly. "Kinda sounds more like a paradise for men than women, though…"

"Look, I'm not particularly into it either, Harley, but surely giving up sex is a small price to pay for not being annoyed by men for the rest of your life," said Ivy.

"I dunno – I kinda think sex with men kinda makes up for their annoyances most of the time," said Harley. "At least, sex with Mr. J does. And I was kinda hoping that after a few days apart, I'd bust him outta Arkham, shout at him and slap him around some, he'd reciprocate, and we'd end with hot and angry makeup sex, which is the best kind…"

"But that's the best part of all of this, Harley," said Selina. "You'll never have to deal with that useless clown ever again."

"We were all there last night – we all saw how he couldn't even tell you he loved you, after all your years together," said Ivy. "Surely you can't still be in love with the selfish creep?"

Harley shrugged. "I dunno. He's an annoying jerk, but…the more I think about the makeup sex, the less he annoys me…"

"For God's sake, Harley, this is your problem!" snapped Ivy. "You're willing to sacrifice everything, your self-respect and self-esteem, just for a roll in the hay with that creep! Don't you understand how pathetic that is, that you'll let him treat you however he wants as long as he keeps giving you sex?"

"Well, you wouldn't think it was pathetic if you knew how good he is at it…" began Harley.

"God, I really never wanna hear about that," interrupted Selina.

"I'm just saying, there are more important things in a relationship, and in life, than sex," said Ivy. "None of which the clown ever gives you. When we get to Themyscira, you'll see all kinds of women who live their entire lives without men, and you'll see how strong and capable they are, full of self-respect and self-fulfillment. That's what a woman should be, first and foremost. The first step to a healthy relationship is forming a healthy relationship with yourself. You need to learn how to practice self-love."

"Yeah, I'm clearly gonna need to with no men around," snapped Harley. "Didn't even pack any toys…"

"I didn't mean self-love in that way," interrupted Ivy. "I meant the ability to love yourself, as a person, and to realize how you truly deserve to be treated. As someone who commands respect from everyone around her, including the men in her life."

"You think…spending some time on this island will make Mr. J learn to respect me?" asked Harley.

"Maybe," said Ivy, shrugging. "And if it doesn't, you're better off without him."

Harley nodded slowly. "It's worth a shot, I guess," she said. "Though I'm missing Mr. J already, and I don't just mean physically. Do you think he's missing me too?"

"No," said all three women simultaneously.

Harley sighed, looking out the window at the open water below. "Well, I bet he is," she muttered. "So there."


	9. Chapter 9

The Joker was, at that moment, shooting rubber bands into the neighboring cell at Arkham Asylum, and wondering how long it would take for Harley to bust him out of here. She usually didn't stay mad at him long, and it had been twenty-four hours, he thought, glancing irritably at his watch.

She couldn't be putting it off much longer – she couldn't last very long without him. And if the Joker dared to admit it, he was eager to get the yelling part of their fight over with so they could get to the makeup sex. The Joker wasn't a man with a very active libido, but it had been awhile, and the memories of past makeup sex sessions with Harley made him very, very eager for them to arrive at that stage of their reconciliation.

"Where did you even get rubber bands in here?" demanded Two-Face from the neighboring cell, as he blocked one heading straight toward his eye.

"Stole 'em from reception when I arrived," replied Joker, shooting another one at him. "I wish I'd stolen some paperclips too, so I could shoot fun little paperclip arrows…"

"Just stop it!" roared Two-Face, slamming his fist against the bars which separated their cells.

"Oh, you're all tense for no reason too, huh?" demanded Joker. "Just like Batman! And I bet your reasons for it are the same – you should have just stopped by the Weed Lady's house yesterday and watered her garden! Then neither of us would be in this mess! It's completely your fault!"

"This is not my fault!" snapped Two-Face. "It's her fault, for being completely unreasonable, just like all women are!"

"Well, you're right about that," agreed Joker. "Like Harley putting me on the spot last night – what is with her? And now she's making me wait for my jailbreak just to punish me for not saying some stupid, meaningless little words to her…"

"Like 'I love you'?" asked Two-Face. "Probably the three most meaningful words in the English language?"

"Don't be ridiculous – those are 'I've killed Batman,'" retorted Joker.

"Harley probably disagrees," said Two-Face. "If I were her, I'd leave you here to rot."

"Well, you're not her," snapped Joker. "And a good thing too, because I'd dump you if you were. I can do so much better than someone with half a face."

"I hate to break it to you, J, but most people think that of the two of you, Harley is the one who can do a lot better," said Two-Face.

"That's crazy talk!" snapped Joker. "She's a completely useless, yammering, clumsy, incompetent, annoying dumb blonde! While I'm the most handsome, most funny, and most intelligent criminal genius to ever live! There's simply no contest!"

"Yo, Hatty, outta J and Harley, who's better?" shouted Two-Face down the cell block.

"Harley," replied the Mad Hatter, not looking up from his tea set. "She's a lovely child."

"Crane, same question!" shouted Two-Face.

"Harley, without question," retorted Jonathan Crane, not looking up from his book. "She is utter perfection."

"Riddler, Harley or J, who's better?" asked Two-Face.

"No riddle there – Harley, of course," retorted Riddler.

"Well, of course the nerds don't have any taste…" began Joker.

"Croc, you like Harley or J better?" asked Two-Face.

"Harley," replied Killer Croc. "She's nice and saves her chicken bones for me."

"Scarface, Harley or J?" asked Two-Face.

"The dummy and me both kinda prefer Harley," replied Scarface. "No offense, J, but she's hotter."

"Clayface, what do you think?" asked Two-Face.

"Oh, Harley, for being an excellent audience," said Clayface, nodding. "She's very sweet and never critical of my performances."

"Freeze, J or Harley, which do you prefer?" asked Two-Face.

"I do not care," retorted Mr. Freeze. "I am indifferent to all of humanity."

"There, y'see, that's basically one for me…" began Joker.

"But if I were not, I would obviously prefer Harley," finished Freeze.

Joker glared around at them. "Well, you're all a bunch of losers!" he shouted. "Which is probably why you all prefer Harley, because you can relate to her! You're just intimidated by how amazing I am, and that frightens you, so you prefer the one who doesn't inspire you with feelings of dread and awe!"

"Yeah, that must be it," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes.

"What's all this shouting?" demanded Batman, striding into the cell block. "You people better not be plotting a breakout!"

"Too late, Bats – Harley's gonna stage one any second," retorted Joker.

"You really are delusional, aren't you?" asked Batman.

"If I were a man dressed in a bat costume who thinks he looks cool, I would watch who I call delusional," retorted Joker.

Batman ignored him, looking around. "Where's Ivy?" he asked. "She was meant to turn herself in last night. Wonder Woman was meant to see to it."

"Well, you can't trust women to do what they say," said Joker, shrugging.

"Aren't you the one trusting Harley to stage a breakout?" asked Two-Face.

"Yeah, because she didn't say she would," said Joker, sticking out his tongue.

"Hi, Batman, the receptionist said you were here," said Dr. Leland, entering the cell block at that moment. "I do hope there's not a problem…"

"Maybe there is – did Ivy turn herself in last night?" demanded Batman.

"No, I haven't seen her," said Dr. Leland, shaking her head. "And there's no record of her being brought in," she said, checking her notes.

Batman sighed heavily. "Always something," he muttered, pulling out his phone. "I'll see if Selina knows where she is…"

He frowned as he waited on the phone. "She's probably not answering because she's still mad about that date," he muttered, dialing another number. "Maybe Wonder Woman will know…"

His frown deepened. "She's not answering either. Oh God, something must have happened…Ivy must have got the better of her somehow…I knew I should have stayed with them until she was safely locked up in here!"

"There's Captain Controlfreak again," sighed Joker. "Though if the Plant Lady's still on the loose, that could explain why Harley hasn't busted me out yet – Pammie's probably keeping her away from me against her will."

"I'm heading back to Ivy's to search for clues," said Batman, heading toward the door.

"Can I come?" asked Joker.

"No, of course you can't come!" snapped Batman.

"Please?" asked Joker. "I'll be your best friend, not that I'm not already. I'm just so bored in here, and you can only entertain yourself by shooting rubber bands at Harvey for so long…"

"You are not coming with me, Joker - you're going to stay locked up in here where you belong!" snapped Batman.

Joker sighed heavily. "Ok. On your head be it, Bats."

"On my head be what?" demanded Batman.

Joker shrugged. "If I'm stuck in here when I don't wanna be, I'm gonna devote all my time, attention, and energy into breaking out. And you know when I put my mind to something, I accomplish it, because I'm incredibly resourceful. And just think how many innocent guards, doctors, and orderlies are gonna die from my latest escape/killing spree? I hear we got a new nurse just starting fresh outta college, Beth, single mom with a new baby. What are you gonna tell the baby when his mommy doesn't come home?"

"How do you know about Beth?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"I know everything about everyone," retorted Joker. "That's part of my mystique. Also, you shouldn't put these things in the Arkham Employee newsletters if you don't want people to know them."

"Joker, you are staying right here!" snapped Batman. "I am not going to let you out just because you threaten to hurt innocent people! I might as well not lock you up in Arkham at all!"

"Well, it does seem like kinda a useless gesture," said Joker, shrugging again. "You know I'm only gonna break out again, and kill a lotta innocent people on my way out. The best way for you to ensure I don't hurt anyone is either to kill me, which you'll never do, or keep me with you, so you can keep an eye on me at all times. It's what I want, and it's what you need to keep people safe, so really it's the best option for everyone!"

"I don't have time to babysit you!" snapped Batman.

"So hire a sitter," said Joker. "Take Harvey with us."

"Actually, I'm good where I am," said Two-Face. "You couldn't pay me to babysit J."

"Why don't you flip the coin, Harvey?" asked Joker.

Two-Face obeyed – it landed bad side up. "Or I guess I can," muttered Two-Face. "Whatever - I don't have strong opinions about it either way…"

"No, I am not doing this!" snapped Batman. "This is insane, and I'm wasting time when Wonder Woman could be in danger…"

"Ok, better pick up some sympathy cards for whatever's left of Beth's family, Doc," sighed Joker, turning to Dr. Leland. He pulled a baby picture out of his pocket. "And say bye bye to your Mommy, kid," he said, holding it out to Batman. "Bye bye, Mommy, I barely knew you…" he cooed in a baby voice.

"All right, come on!" shouted Batman, unlocking the door. "And you too, Harvey! I am not taking care of him on my own!"

"Seriously, where did you get a picture of Beth's baby?" demanded Dr. Leland, as Joker followed a reluctant Batman and Two-Face out of the cell block, whistling happily. "That wasn't in the newsletter!"

"A magician never reveals his secrets, Doc – that would ruin my mystique," replied Joker. "But if you really wanna know, it's actually just a generic baby photo from Google Images - I always keep one on me to blackmail the gullible, like Batsy. All babies look pretty much alike, y'know."

"You're right – that does kinda ruin your mystique," agreed Dr. Leland, nodding.

"You say that, but you'll never figure out how I rigged the sprinkler system to go off just as I'm leaving," replied Joker. "See ya around, Doc!"

He shut the door, and all the sprinklers in the asylum suddenly turned on. As the inmates all cried out in annoyance, and Clayface exclaimed, "I'm melting, melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!", Dr. Leland glared after Joker.

"I hate to admit it," she muttered, gradually getting more soaked. "But damn, he's good."


	10. Chapter 10

"There it is – Themyscira," said Wonder Woman, nodding out the window of the invisible jet. "Paradise Island."

"It doesn't look like much – it doesn't look like you even have a place to land this thing," commented Harley.

"It takes some skill," agreed Wonder Woman. "So hang on, everyone. It's going to be a tight landing if we want to miss the trees."

"You crash this into trees, and I'll kill you," snapped Ivy.

"Noted," sighed Wonder Woman, beginning their descent. The jet managed to clear the trees, and landed on a clear strip of land on top of a cliff overlooking the city below.

"Again, doesn't look like much," commented Harley. "Doesn't look like you've advanced much since Ancient Greece. Does that mean that the only reason we have modern civilization is because of men?"

"No," snapped Wonder Woman. "We are perhaps not as technologically advanced as the modern world, but we are advanced in other ways. In understanding and compassion and tolerance and empathy and harmony. There are no wars here, no death, and no hatred."

"Sounds kinda boring," muttered Harley.

"That does not mean, however, that we do not prepare for war, should such a thing ever be necessary," continued Wonder Woman, as they followed her towards the city. "The Amazons are some of the fiercest and most skilled warriors in the world. We spend a large portion of our time training for battle, and honing our skills. In this way, we satisfy the human need for violence, but in a friendly, non-lethal way."

"Mr. J would say violence is only fun if it's lethal, or at least permanently damaging," said Harley.

"Well, the clown's not here, Harley, and I don't want to hear his name again," snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, this is meant to be paradise, which means no mention of the Joker whatsoever," agreed Selina.

"Halt! Who goes there?" asked a guard, as they approached the gates of the city.

"It is I, Diana," said Wonder Woman, smiling at her.

"Diana! Your mother will be so pleased to see you!" said the guard, embracing her. "Allow me to escort you home, your highness."

"Your highness?" repeated Harley.

"My mother is Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons," replied Wonder Woman. "Which I suppose makes me Princess Diana."

"Oh, like the candle in the wind?" asked Harley. "I thought she was dead. It would be really awkward if she ain't, after Elton John wrote that brand new song for her funeral and all."

"Uh…no relation," replied Wonder Woman, slowly. "Just follow me."

They headed through the vast, bustling city towards the palace which rested at the top of the hill. "Just think, this was all built by women," said Ivy proudly, as they entered the monumental structure.

"Immortal women with the strength of gods," reminded Harley.

"But women nonetheless," snapped Ivy. "It just shows when we put our minds to something, we can accomplish anything."

"The art is really something," agreed Selina, looking around.

"This is our history," said Wonder Woman, gesturing around at the frescoes. "It shows the Amazons' role in the war of the Olympians."

"Hey, whaddya know, he _does_ look a lot like Maxie Zeus," commented Harley, pointing at a painting of Zeus. "Maybe he's his reincarnation after all. Of course I'll tell him he looks nothing like him when I next see him, because it'll be funnier to crush his dreams."

"You cannot reveal the secrets of the Amazons, Harley," said Wonder Woman. "You are privileged to even be here, and you cannot speak of what you have seen should you return to the mortal realm."

"What do you mean 'should you return to the mortal realm'?" asked Harley. "We are going back, right?"

Ivy and Selina shared a look. "We…uh…weren't planning on it, Harley," said Ivy, slowly.

Harley stared at her in horror. "No, no, no, we have to go back!" she exclaimed. "I gotta make up with Mr. J! I can't leave him forever – what would he do without me?!"

"He'd have to find a new punching bag and domestic slave!" snapped Ivy. "Now come on, Harley – we've just arrived and it's all strange and new to you, but you might learn to like it. Wonder Woman says all the women here have no desire to leave, because this place is paradise."

"No place without Mr. J is paradise!" cried Harley.

"Actually, I think you'll find that's the definition of paradise!" snapped Ivy.

Harley looked desperately at Wonder Woman. "What if…what if Mr. J wanted to visit, just for an hour or two?" she asked. "That'd be fine, right?"

"I'm afraid not," said Wonder Woman, shaking her head. "It is Aphrodite's Law: under penalty of death, no Man may set foot on Themyscira."

"You call this place a paradise when it has discriminatory laws like that?" demanded Harley. "That's just plain sexism! I don't wanna live in a place where people are put to death just for being born male! Boy, this island sure seems great at first, but scratch even a little below the surface and it's like the beginning of some creepy horror movie…"

"Diana, so good to see you, my child!" exclaimed a woman, regally dressed, who left the throne room at that moment.

"Hello, Mother," said Wonder Woman, embracing her. "Please allow me to introduce Selina Kyle, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn."

"Welcome, sisters," said Hippolyta, embracing them each in turn. "We are always pleased to have guests..."

"As long as they ain't men, though, right?" demanded Harley. "Because then you'll straight up murder them! I'm sorry, this law doesn't make anyone else uncomfortable but me?!"

"Harley has recently gone through…a bad breakup," said Ivy. "You have to excuse her, your majesty. She's still in that denial stage where she thinks all men aren't horrible. We thought the best thing for her would be to take her here, so she can see how strong and capable women can be without men."

"Indeed, I have always been baffled by the stories Diana tells me about female reliance on men in your world," said Hippolyta, nodding. "I suppose they are not brought up as we are, to be self-reliant and independent, and rather see themselves as subservient and dependent. It is a shame your society encourages that view, but never fear, my child," she said, smiling at Harley. "We shall cure you of your delusions on that point."

"I don't need to be cured," snapped Harley. "And saying things like that just reinforces the idea of this whole thing being like a creepy cult…"

"Harley, can you please not ruin it for all of us by disrespecting the queen of this place?" demanded Selina. "We do apologize for her, your majesty."

"There is no need – she is merely misguided," replied Hippolyta. "We do not punish errors here – we just seek to gently correct them, with patience and compassion and understanding. I am sure a few days in Themyscira will change her mind. Please do allow me to offer you accommodation in the palace for as long as you desire to remain here. Any friends of Diana are friends of mine."

"Thank you, your majesty," said Ivy. "That's very kind…"

"Of course, my sister," said Hippolyta, embracing her again. "We shall throw a celebration in honor of your arrival, a full day of feasts and games, to welcome you home. What do you say, Diana?" she asked, turning to her daughter. "The four of you against my four best warriors?"

"I think your warriors should prepare for defeat, Mother," said Wonder Woman, smiling.

"We shall see," replied Hippolyta. "I expect you on the field in one hour. See you there, my sisters," she said, embracing the women again and heading off.

"She seems nice," said Ivy.

"Yeah, seems it," agreed Harley. "Until she suspects you of being a man and tries to murder you in cold blood."

"Why would she suspect any of us of being a man?" asked Selina, puzzled.

"Because she's clearly paranoid – why else would they have such an outrageously harsh punishment for men coming here?" demanded Harley.

"Because this is meant to be a sanctuary, Harley," said Wonder Woman. "Where women can relax and be free to be themselves, without fear of violence or repercussion from men. It's a refuge from the ultra-competitive world of male dominance."

"So what's this game we're playing?" asked Selina.

"Oh, it's a fighting game called Last Woman Standing," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "The four of us will be battling against four of my mother's best warriors, and whichever team has the last player standing is the winner. Of course we do not encourage any kind of lethal or hugely debilitating violence, but we do have to ensure the other players cannot continue the fight by any means necessary. But don't worry – I'm reigning champion here, so we're probably going to win."

She clapped Selina on the shoulder and headed off. "Well, that oughta shatter the stereotype that women are nothing but meek little wallflowers," said Ivy. "This is perfect, Harley! You can finally see how badass women can be on their own!"

"I know women can be badass, Red," replied Harley. "I didn't need to come to this sexist island to discover that."

"Well, maybe it'll rub off on you this time," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, any place is good as long as you're free from the clown's influence. And not even he would dare set foot on this island."

"Actually, I kinda hope he does," said Selina. "Because then they'd kill him, and wouldn't that be fun to watch? The Joker murdered by a bunch of Amazons – that would be fantastic. And fair, after the way he's treated you all these years, Harley."

"Yeah, I might fantasize about that the next time I need a little self-love," agreed Ivy, nodding.

"You're both horrible," snapped Harley. "Anyway, that's not gonna happen, because Mr. J doesn't know where I've gone, and I'm gonna keep it that way. I don't want him risking his life to rescue me, which he would if he knew I was trapped on this island. I just thank God he doesn't know."


	11. Chapter 11

"So what are we looking for?" asked Joker, as he watched Batman crouching down on the floor of Ivy's apartment to examine a plant.

"Clues," snapped Batman, straightening up. "Like this one – Ivy's over-watered her plants, so wherever she is, she's planning on being there for some time."

"You think she kidnapped Wonder Woman, and took her someplace far away with Selina and Harley to kill her?" asked Two-Face. "That doesn't really sound like Pammie, to be honest. She'd rather kill people at home, and then feed them to her plants. She's a caring woman like that."

"There are no signs of a struggle," commented Batman, looking around. "And nobody could kidnap Wonder Woman without a struggle. So that means she must have gone with them voluntarily."

He frowned. "Let me just make a quick phone call," he said, pulling out his phone and dialing a number.

"Hello, Batman," said a familiar voice on the other end.

"Hi, Superman, I'm just wondering if…" began Batman.

"Hi, Supey, how's tricks?" asked Joker, snatching the phone away from him suddenly. "Have you seen Lexy lately? I saw a commercial on TV for a product that can regrow your hair, and I was wondering if you could mention it to him – I know he must suffer daily feeling like a freak of nature. Well, look who I'm talking to…"

Batman snatched the phone back, glaring at Joker. "Sorry, Superman, that was…yeah, I will handcuff him. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, you don't need to tell me how to do my job," he snapped. "Anyway, I called because I was wondering if you'd seen Wonder Woman since yesterday's plant attack…I thought you two might have had plans on Valentine's Day evening."

"Wait, they're a couple?" asked Joker, excitedly. "And didn't you and Wonder Woman used to be a couple? Oooh, talk about awkward…"

Batman clapped a hand over Joker's mouth. "Uh huh. I see. And she didn't mention…ok…oh my God, don't lick me, Joker!" he snapped, wrenching his hand off Joker's mouth. "That was…nothing, Superman," he said, hastily. "Thanks for the info – bye."

"So spill the beans – did Wonder Woman dump you for Superman?" asked Joker, as Batman hung up the phone. "Because that's gotta hurt…"

"Wonder Woman and I broke up several months ago – it was a mutual thing," muttered Batman. "Not that it's any of your business, but she's free to date whoever she likes. But Superman says they aren't together, and she didn't tell him anything except to say that she wouldn't be contactable for a few days as she was going home and wouldn't have phone reception."

"Where the heck does she live that doesn't have phone reception?" asked Joker, puzzled. "The planet Wonder?"

"That's also none of your business," said Batman. "But you're going back to Arkham now," he said, slapping handcuffs onto his wrist.

"Hey, what gives?" demanded Joker. "You can't take me back there – we haven't even found Harley yet!"

"I know where Harley, Ivy, and Selina all are," said Batman. "They've gone to Wonder Woman's home with her, and we can't follow them there."

"Why not?" asked Two-Face.

"Because we're not allowed there," retorted Batman.

"Is it Cuba?" asked Joker. "Because I thought Americans were allowed there now…"

"It's not because we're American!" snapped Batman. "It's because…we're men."

Joker stared at him. "You wanna run that by me again, Bats?" he asked.

"There's…this island where Wonder Woman is from, where men can't go," said Batman. "No men are allowed on the island of the Amazons, under pain of death."

"Well, I'm pretty sure that's called gender discrimination," snapped Joker. "And it's illegal. Isn't it, Harvey?"

"In this country, yes," said Two-Face, nodding. "But in other countries…"

"Who cares about other countries? This is America!" snapped Joker. "The greatest country in the world, and our laws are the best in the world!"

"If you think that, then why are you always breaking them?" asked Batman.

"Well, I still don't like people telling me what to do, not even the best people," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, it's criminal to be discriminated against just because you're a man! How is that fair in any way? I thought you were the one obsessed with justice, Bats! Well, this is completely unjust!"

"It's not my problem," retorted Batman. "I'm trying to bring justice to Gotham, not Themyscira."

"Now that's not a very heroic attitude," said Joker, shaking his head. "You mean to tell me if you're on vacation somewhere, and you see a robbery in progress, you ain't gonna interfere? Of course you are, because you're Batman, and sticking your nose into other people's business is what you do, no matter where in the world they are. Why aren't you chomping at the bit to right this wrong, and redress this injustice?"

"Like I said, it's really none of my business if a bunch of women want to live on an island without men," replied Batman. "I think the least we can do is respect their wishes…"

"Well, what if I wanted to live on an island without women?" demanded Joker. "Would you respect my wishes?"

"I would respect your wishes to live anywhere else but Gotham," said Batman, nodding. "Because then you'd also be somebody else's problem."

"And what if it was an island that discriminated in other ways?" demanded Joker. "What if you weren't allowed on it because of your race, or religion, or sexual preference? Would you be comfortable with that kinda segregation, Bat-Hitler?"

"No, not comfortable, but I still wouldn't go there," retorted Batman.

Joker glared at him. "Oh, I get it," he said. "You're scared of these women."

"I am not!" snapped Batman.

"Yes, you are," said Joker, nodding. "You're scared of a bunch of girls because they've said no boys allowed in their clubhouse. And you're afraid they'll beat you up if you try to get in."

"These aren't girls we're talking about, Joker – these are Amazons," retorted Batman. "They're the most skilled warriors in the world…"

"Are they or are they not women?" interrupted Joker.

"Yes, they are…" began Batman.

"Then I can take 'em," said Joker, nodding.

"You wanna bet?" demanded Batman. "Because I'd be happy to take you there and watch them kill you!"

"Well, then you wouldn't win the bet, because I couldn't pay you if I'm dead," retorted Joker. "Plus you'd never watch anyone kill me – you couldn't resist swooping in at the last moment and saving me like the hero you are."

"He's right," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "Now both of you, stop this. If the ladies want a little time away from us and all men, then that's fair…"

"But what if that's not what they want?" interrupted Joker. "What if this is one of those crafty games women like to play? What if they've gone to this forbidden island, and they want us to follow them? To prove that we care enough to risk our lives chasing after them."

"That doesn't make a lot of sense…" began Two-Face.

"Duh! Because they're women!" snapped Joker. "They're all crazy! And I know Harley thinks the most romantic thing anyone can do is die for someone – she's always talking about how she'd sacrifice herself for me. Well, the joke's on her, because I'm not willing to risk my life for her. Fortunately I won't be risking my life by going to an island with a buncha dames, so I'll go anyway and drag her back here. Not because I wanna sacrifice myself for her, just because she needs to be punished for slapping me. She needs to be punished real hard for being such a naughty girl…"

He trailed off, lost in a fantasy with a faraway look in his eyes for a moment, and then snapped back to reality suddenly. "All right, I'm getting her back," he said. "No buncha broads is keeping me from my broad. Who's coming with me?"

"You don't even know where this island is," said Batman.

"And you think I can't find it, is that it?" asked Joker. "You should know better than to underestimate my determination, Bats, and my networking abilities. You think none of my numerous contacts could tell me where it is? Not even Wonder Woman's longtime rival, Cheetah, who happens to be in the Injustice League with me? Harvey, you had a thing with her, didn't you?"

"Not a thing, exactly," said Two-Face. "Just a couple of one-night stands..."

"Well, you have her number anyway, so we'll just give her a call and ask her where this island is," said Joker. "I'm sure she'd be willing to tell good old Harvey."

"Even if you did find it, you'd be killed the instant you get there…" continued Batman.

"Unless I had a Bat-protector to save me," finished Joker, nodding. "So you wanna come, Bats?"

"No!" snapped Batman. "Not under any circumstances!"

"All right, what about you, Harv?" asked Joker, turning to Two-Face. "What does the coin say?"

Two-Face sighed and flipped his coin – it landed bad side up again. "No," he muttered, flipping it again. "No, no, no, I'm not doing it, I don't care what you say…"

After landing bad side up three times in a row, Two-Face let out a heavy sigh. "I guess I am," he muttered.

"Atta boy!" said Joker, slapping him on the back. "And it's too bad you won't join us, Bats, because if those Amazons won't give up Harley without a fight, I'm gonna have to kill a bunch of 'em. Maybe even your ex-girlfriend, or your current girlfriend, depending on how cooperative the kitty is. Say, do you think with no men around, the Wonderbra Woman and the pussy might start to experiment…"

"All right, I'm coming with you, but I'm knocking you unconscious for the flight," interrupted Batman.

"That's so he doesn't get a Bat-boner thinking about that," said Joker, nodding. "Hey, do you guys wanna hear about Batman's Greatest Boner? This was back in the day when boner meant a gaffe or mistake, so it's not as filthy as it sounds, but you should definitely Google it…"

"Batman, you know this is a terrible idea," said Two-Face, as he and Batman walked ahead, ignoring Joker's constant babbling. "Why are you going along with it?"

"Because unfortunately, the Joker is my responsibility," growled Batman. "And if he goes and causes trouble in Themyscira, I'll be the one who gets it from Wonder Woman. I'll also feel responsible for any deaths he might cause, which knowing him will be a lot, even against Amazons. At least this way I can keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble."

"And if the Amazons try and kill us for setting foot on their forbidden island?" asked Two-Face.

"I'm sure that's just an old, archaic law that nobody really takes seriously anymore," replied Batman. "I mean, Joker's right about that if nothing else – segregation is a silly relic of the past, and should stay that way. Nobody in the modern world believes that men and women should be separated completely. Plus Wonder Woman's a reasonable person, and a member of the Justice League, who doesn't believe in killing unless absolutely necessary. I'm sure she'll intervene on our behalf should anything unpleasant occur."

"I dunno – you say your breakup was a mutual thing, but who actually did the dumping?" asked Two-Face.

"Well, I broached the subject…" began Batman.

"See, Pammie's dream would be a place where she could legally kill all the guys who dumped her," said Two-Face. "I know she doesn't speak for all women, but if Wonder Woman's anything like her, this might be sorta a dream come true - killing her ex and two violent criminals who have been a thorn in her side for God knows how long."

"That's not going to happen," said Batman, firmly. "Men or women, I truly believe we're all ultimately rational enough to get along."

Two-Face nodded slowly in agreement, but he privately thought that with views like that, Batman really belonged in Arkham after all.


	12. Chapter 12

"So this is like dodge-ball, but with deadly weapons?" asked Harley Quinn, surveying the playing field in front of them. "Because if so, it'd be kinda a fun game to play with Mr. J sometime."

"Yes, it's essentially that," agreed Wonder Woman, nodding. "So what are your weapons of choice?"

"You got a giant mallet?" asked Harley. "Or a pop-gun?"

"We don't have guns here," said Wonder Woman.

"How about a baseball bat?" asked Harley.

"Uh…you can use this club," said Wonder Woman, handing it to her. "That's similar, I guess. What about the rest of you ladies?"

"I use whips," said Selina.

"And I suppose since it would be cheating to use my plants, I use crossbows," said Ivy.

"Ok, I guess I'm the only one going with the more traditional sword and shield," said Wonder Woman, shrugging. "That's fair enough," she said, as she handed the other two their weapons. "It's not about the weapons, after all – it's about the strategy, and outsmarting the other team."

"Where is the other team?" asked Selina, looking around.

"They're with my mother over there," said Wonder Woman, pointing.

Harley's jaw dropped. "Those are women?" she demanded. "They're as big as a house!"

"As I said, it's not size that counts, Harley – it's how we can use what we've got to our advantage," replied Wonder Woman.

"That's what men say too, but it's usually also about size," said Ivy, nodding. "Am I right, ladies?" she asked, raising her hand for a high-five.

"You spend a lot of time denigrating men, you know that?" asked Wonder Woman. "For a woman who supposedly wishes to live without them, a large percentage of your conversation is based around insulting them. If you truly want to live without men, you should ignore their existence entirely."

"Well, thanks for telling me how to live my life, Wonder Woman," snapped Ivy.

"She's right, Ivy – a lot of your conversations don't pass the Bechdel test," said Selina, nodding. "And you were saying just the other day how important you think that is in movies…"

"My life isn't a movie!" snapped Ivy. "And I'm allowed to blow off a little steam when the men in my life disappoint me, which is all the time! Anyway, I don't recall any of your conversations featuring much besides the Bat, Selina!"

"That's not true – sometimes we complain about Harley," said Selina, nodding at her.

"Mostly about her relationship with the Joker, another man," pointed out Ivy. "So don't you criticize me for letting the side down!"

"I'm not trying to be critical – I'm suggesting that you try to do better," said Wonder Woman. "From now on, let's not even mention men, ok?"

"Suits me," said Ivy, shrugging.

"No deal," muttered Harley. "No one's gonna stop me talking about my Mr. J if I wanna."

"That's true, even when we've begged her to shut up, she won't," agreed Selina, nodding.

"Ok, whatever, we'll talk about this later, but right now, we've got a game to win," said Wonder Woman. They strode onto the field to meet the other team, with Hippolyta standing between them.

"Ladies of Themyscira, please welcome our new arrivals, my daughter Diana, and her friends Selina Kyle, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn!" announced Hippolyta, to the cheers of the surrounding Amazons. "And to challenge them in Last Woman Standing, our reigning champions in the absence of my daughter, Hermione, Calliope, Helen, and Artemis!"

The Amazons cheered even louder, as the opposing team sized up their rivals, looking as smug as if they had won already. "Ladies, let's have a nice, clean game," said Hippolyta, heading toward her private box to watch the entertainment.

"So which one of you is the man-loving one?" asked Hermione, with a sneer.

"We all hate men!" snapped Ivy.

"I don't," said Harley. "I'm in love with a man called Mr. J. Sure, he's a selfish jerk who completely forgot to make Valentine's Day plans, but the thought of never seeing him again by staying on this island full of women forever has made me realize just how much I love and miss him, and how willingly I'd forgive him for anything. I mean, it is just a stupid holiday, after all…"

"No, it's not, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "It's a complete disregard for your feelings! Don't you understand the implication of him forgetting something like that?"

Harley shrugged. "Mr. J ain't one for implications – he's not a subtle guy. What this means is he forgot Valentine's Day, not that he doesn't love me. He's a busy guy with a lot on his mind, and you can't expect him to remember everything…"

"What did I say about talking about men?" demanded Wonder Woman. "Just stop it! We have to concentrate on the game if we want to win it!"

"You won't," snickered Artemis, with a smug grin. "You've been influenced by men too much, and you've lost all your girl power."

"We have not!" snapped Selina, readying her whip. "Let's show 'em, ladies!"

"Let the game begin!" shouted Hippolyta, and the two teams squared off. Artemis had a bow, Hermione a javelin, Helen a sword, and Calliope a spear, which they all instantly began attacking the opposing team with. Wonder Woman faced off against Artemis, while Ivy took Helen, and Selina battled Calliope, leaving Harley to face Hermione.

"Let's see if you can dance without a man, man-lover," she sneered, aiming her javelin and throwing it. Harley dodged out of the way, raising her club above her head.

"I don't _need_ a man – I just choose to have Mr. J!" Harley snapped. "It's a choice I have, living in a place with a lotta men to choose from!"

She shrieked suddenly as an arrow flew over her head. "Hey, Wonders, take care of her, will ya?!" Harley shouted, as Wonder Woman engaged Artemis again. "Thought you were meant to be good at this game!"

"I am!" snapped Wonder Woman, leaping into the air with her sword.

"Wow, kinda weird how everything goes all slow-motion whenever she fights, huh?" asked Harley, watching her. "It's also gonna get kinda repetitive to watch…so I won't," she said, turning her attention back to her battle with Hermione.

Ivy was shooting arrows from her crossbow at Helen, who knocked them out of the way with her sword. Selina was the only one who seemed to have the upper hand, entangling her whip around Calliope's spear and pulling it out of her hands. She then snapped the whip around her neck, dragged her to the ground, and tied her hands behind her back with it. "One down!" Selina shouted, smiling.

Helen suddenly got a lucky hit, knocking Ivy's bow out of her hands. Ivy dived for it, just as Helen raised her sword to strike at her. "Red, look out!" shouted Harley, leaping forward and throwing herself into Helen. They both fell to the ground, while Ivy grabbed her crossbow and turned, aiming carefully.

"Two down!" Ivy exclaimed, as she shot her crossbow bolt into Helen's leg.

"Yeah, go us!" exclaimed Harley, straightening up and high-fiving Ivy. "Teamwork, that's the key!"

"Harley, down," said Ivy, suddenly.

"I will not calm down – we're winning two to nothing!" exclaimed Harley, beaming.

"No, get down!" shouted Ivy, shoving her to the ground. The javelin that Hermione had aimed at Harley sliced open Ivy's arm instead.

"Two to one," retorted Hermione, with another smug smile.

"Red, you ok?" asked Harley.

"I'm fine, but I'm done," said Ivy, gasping as she tried to stem the flow of blood from her wound. "I can't shoot with one arm – the only weapons I have now are my plants and my lipstick, both of which I think would be cheating," she added with a smile. "But you go get 'em, Harl."

Harley turned, angry now, to face off with Hermione. "You and me, Evil Harry Potter's Friend," she growled. "I'll teach you to hurt my best buddy!"

"I wasn't aiming for your buddy – I was aiming for you," retorted Hermione. "But I guess you've got the observational skills of a man too. Not to mention the intelligence..."

"Shut up!" snapped Harley, lashing out at her. "Wonder Woman said we weren't supposed to talk about men so we can pass the Bechamel test or something! She's your ruler, so don't disobey her!"

"She's been defeated by Artemis," commented Hermione. Harley turned to see Wonder Woman bound with her own lasso.

"Really?" demanded Harley, glaring at her. "I thought you were meant to be the reigning champion! Well, I guess it's just you and me, Selin…"

She trailed off as Artemis's arrow severed Selina's whip, and another arrow made contact with her foot, rendering her out of action.

"Guess it's just…me," stammered Harley, as the two remaining Amazons both advanced on her, priming their weapons.

Harley swung her club at Artemis, who fell back, just as Hermione launched her javelin again. Harley fell to the ground just in time to avoid being hit, but looked up to see Artemis standing over her with an arrow pointed at her. Harley leapt to her feet, but the back end of Hermione's javelin suddenly caught her in the chest, knocking her back to the ground. Winded, Harley stared up at them, as Hermione murmured to Artemis, "We should make sure no man wants her again. Aim for the face."

Artemis obeyed, pulling back her bow. Harley shut her eyes, preparing for pain…

When suddenly there was a giant, screeching crash, as if something huge and metallic had collided with something else huge and metallic. The sound rang around the island, and everyone clapped their hands to their ears, deafened by it.

"What in Hera's name is that?!" roared Hippolyta.

"I don't know!" cried Wonder Woman. Then she looked up at the cliff above the city, and her jaw tightened in fury. "Oh wait – yes, I do," she muttered.

…

"Oh my God, you crushed the invisible jet!" exclaimed Joker, realizing that the reason for the horrible noise underneath the Batwing was due to exactly that. "You just landed on it!"

"No, I didn't!" snapped Batman, trying to raise the Batwing up again, but the shards of the invisible jet were entangled in his engine, keeping him trapped against it.

"Yeah, you did," agreed Two-Face, looking out the window. "And now we're stuck in its remains. Either that or this is some kinda invisible Amazon trap."

"It could be – they have an invisible jet, for God's sake!" snapped Batman.

"I think your whole stealth mission idea is gonna have to be revised," commented Joker.

"Maybe not," retorted Batman. "They might not know we're here…"

"Oh, they know," said Joker, pointing out the window. They all three turned to see a huge mob of Amazons heading toward them, looking very, very angry.

"Batman, get out of there right now!" shouted Wonder Woman.

"She doesn't know we're here – you go and distract them, Bats, and Harvey and me will sneak out the back…" began Joker.

"No, this was your idea, and you're taking the fall for it!" snapped Batman, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him after him as he climbed out onto the Batwing.

"Hi, Wonder Woman…" Batman began.

"What in Hades do you think you're doing?!" interrupted Wonder Woman. "You know you're not allowed here! And not only have you broken Aphrodite's Law, but you've destroyed my plane!"

"That was an accident…" began Batman.

"If you don't want things like that to happen, maybe you should get a visible plane that people can actually see," interrupted Joker. "It can't be the first time it's happened…"

"And why have you brought this filthy degenerate to the sacred island of the Amazons?!" demanded Wonder Woman. "Not only is he a man, but he's a murderous criminal lunatic, which is really the last person we need to know about Themyscira when we're trying to keep our island hidden and secret! Do you have anything to say for yourself, Batman?! Anything at all to defend your actions?!"

"It was Joker's idea!" snapped Batman, throwing a finger at him. "He found out about this place and was determined to go there, so I thought the lesser of two evils was to go with him and supervise him…"

"And how did he find out about this place?" demanded Wonder Woman.

"Well, I kinda…told him," said Batman, slowly. "Look, he threatened innocent people – he wanted to know where Harley had gone, and I assumed she was with you, and he wanted to drag her back, but I had to explain to him why he wasn't allowed to do that, and then he said he'd find this place on his own and start murdering Amazons…"

The mob instantly began booing him, raising their weapons. "Down, sisters!" exclaimed Hippolyta, holding up her hand. "You know the law, and it is not mob rule! These men shall be formally executed, as is customary."

"What are you talking about?" demanded Batman. "You can't execute us! Wonder Woman won't let you…"

"You knowingly and willingly broke the laws of our land, Batman!" exclaimed Wonder Woman. "When you knew death was the punishment for so doing! I can try reasoning with them, but the law is very clear on that point. I will not oppose the justice of my mother and my homeland, however crude it seems to you."

"But there's gotta be a loophole, right?" asked Batman. "Or some technicality…"

"There is," said Two-Face, joining them to more furious murmuring. "As I understand it, Aphrodite's Law is, and I quote, 'Under penalty of death, no Man may set foot on Themyscira.' Now I used to be a lawyer, and technically, none of us have actually set foot on Themyscira yet. We're on this plane, but our feet are not on the island."

"Nice lawyering there, Harv," said Joker, nodding. "I normally despise lawyers and all that they stand for, but if it gets us outta being executed, I can't complain."

"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, who had arrived on the scene at that moment. "You came to rescue me!"

"I sure did, pooh," said Joker, beaming at her. "The moment I heard about this place, I knew it was the Weed Lady's idea to take you, and I knew it was my duty to get you offa this dump of a rock before you could be influenced by female self-esteem too much. I knew my Harley girl would never be comfortable anywhere without me, especially on this weird gender discriminatory island full of only dames…at least, I think they're dames," he added, gazing around at the mob. "It's really hard to tell with a lot of 'em…"

"Shut up, Joker!" snapped Batman, but it was too late. The mob's collective fury burst forth, and they began attacking the Batwing, bashing their weapons against it. The plane rocked violently from side to side and began to break into pieces, and Batman, Joker, and Two-Face were all thrown off it, landing on the ground of the island.

"You have set foot on Themyscira now," muttered Hippolyta, standing over them, her face hard and cold. "Take them to the palace – I shall oversee their execution personally."


	13. Chapter 13

"This is all your fault," snapped Batman, glaring at Joker as they were escorted toward the palace, their hands bound in front of them.

"Yes, it is another fine mess I've gotten us into," agreed Joker, nodding. "But I ain't worried. You're here, and Harley's here, and one of you is bound to figure out a way to get me outta being executed. I've avoided it lots of times in Gotham, for instance, what with insanity pleas and daring, last minute escapes. There was that one time I was gonna get the chair, but you spent days and weeks of your time proving that the crime I was gonna be executed for was one I didn't commit. I mean, I had committed lots of other, worse ones, and some would say you trying to save me on a technicality was the definition of insanity, but then as far as I know, no one's ever claimed that you're a particularly sane individual…"

"Will you both just shut up?" snapped Two-Face. "If I'm going to die, I want to enjoy my last few minutes of life without you two arguing like a couple of children. But it _is_ all your fault, Joker," he added. "I had the perfect way to get us all outta this mess scot-free – we could have just taken Harley with us and left. But no, you have to open your big mouth and incite a mob riot!"

"Hey, it's what I do," said Joker, shrugging. "You do your coin thing, Batsy does his justice thing, and I engage the audience."

"Into murdering us – yeah, thanks," said Two-Face, sarcastically.

"We're not being murdered – Batsy is going to save us," said Joker, confidently.

"What do you expect me to do?" demanded Batman. "We're all in the same boat here!"

"I dunno, but you'll find a way to get us out of this – you're Batman," said Joker, shrugging. "And I told Harvey yesterday, which was the last time he thought we were going to die, Batman always comes through to save us."

"Well, I hate to break it to you, Joker, but I don't have a plan for getting us out of this," snapped Batman.

"You don't need a plan – you're an improviser, like me, Batsy," said Joker. "You'll think of something. I have complete faith in you."

Batman sighed heavily, hoping that if he did have to die today, he would at least get to see that smug, confident smile wiped off the Joker's face before he did.

They were dragged into the great hall of the palace, and Hippolyta took a seat on her throne, surrounded by what appeared to be the rest of the population of the island.

"Batman, Joker, and Two-Face, you have been found guilty of breaking Aphrodite's Law, and are sentenced to death," she pronounced. "Do you have a preferred method of execution?"

"Oooh, where do I start?" sighed Joker. "There are just so many to choose from! I've always been partial to a little burning at the stake myself – it's just sorta nice and traditional. Of course hanging is also traditional, but all that writhing and gagging is really undignified. Beheading's fun, because they say you're still conscious for a few seconds after your head comes off, but don't use a guillotine because that's just too French for my taste…"

"Beheading is our traditional method of execution," interrupted Hippolyta. "So very well. We shall let our finest warrior swing the sword," she said, nodding at Hermione. "The clown first – bring him," she said, beckoning her guards forward.

"Wait, wait, wait, we're doing this now?" asked Joker, as he was dragged toward the throne. "Not like tomorrow at dawn or anything?"

"We believe there is no time like the present," said Hippolyta.

"Damn efficient dames," muttered Joker. "Just give you no time to think…"

His head was forced down, and Joker looked at Batman. "Ok, anytime now, Bats," he said.

"What do you expect me to do?! I'm kinda tied up here!" snapped Batman, nodding at his guard.

Joker sighed heavily. "Fine, I'll do it myself," he muttered, slamming his head up suddenly so that it collided with the guard's face. He then sliced the ropes that bound his hands across the sword that was about to come down on his neck, reached into his pocket for a knife, and threw that into the eye of the executioner. He then pulled out his gun and began firing at random Amazons as he made a break for the door…but he didn't get far. He was suddenly lassoed and dragged back by Wonder Woman.

"Oh, come on!" he shouted. "I thought you were meant to be one of the good guys!"

"I am," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "And you have just killed and wounded several of my sisters. I do not share Batman's bizarre devotion to keeping you alive. If you ask me, executing you would do the world a huge favor, and will be justice for all of those you blindly murdered for your sick jokes."

She held him down, and Artemis, who had taken up the sword of execution, raised it, about to bring it down on his neck…

"Stop, stop, stop!" shrieked Harley, who had gone to go fetch Ivy and Selina, and had returned just in time. She threw herself in front of Joker. "You can't execute him! I won't let you!" she cried.

"You wish to intercede for this man, Harley?" asked Hippolyta.

"You're damn right I do!" exclaimed Harley. "If you wanna kill puddin', you gotta kill me too!"

"See? Self-sacrifice, what did I tell ya?" said Joker, shrugging.

"According to the laws of Aphrodite, there is a way for a woman to intercede on behalf of a man, and prevent his execution," said Hippolyta. "She must defeat our best warrior in single combat. If she wins, the man she has spoken for shall go free. If she loses, she dies along with him."

"I'll do it," said Harley, without hesitating an instant. "If it gives Mr. J a chance, I'll do anything. Though that Aphrodite's kinda a bitch, for a woman who's meant to be the goddess of love."

"And what about these other two?" Hippolyta asked. "Will anyone here intercede for them? Daughter, I think you might for Batman…"

"No, I will," interrupted Selina, stepping forward and wincing as she walked on her wounded foot. "He's still my boyfriend, even if he is a selfish jerk."

"Selina!" snapped Ivy. "That's not the attitude we discussed!"

"Oh, come on, Ivy, they're going to kill them!" snapped Selina. "I might be angry at Batman, but I'm not gonna let him die just because he had other commitments on Valentine's Day! How petty would that be?!"

"And will anyone intercede for Two-Face?" asked Hippolyta. Everyone turned to look at Ivy, who just glared at him. Then she muttered something unintelligible.

"What was that?" asked Hippolyta.

"I said he's not worth it, but I will," snapped Ivy.

"Very well. Since we have three challengers, we shall have our three best warriors face them," said Hippolyta. "And they shall fight to the death. We shall see you on the battlefield at dawn tomorrow. Take them away," she said, gesturing to the men.

"All right, dawn tomorrow!" exclaimed Joker, as they were dragged off. "What did I tell you guys? Plenty of time to plan a daring escape!"

"He'd better, because I don't think there's any way we're winning against the three best warriors," muttered Ivy. "We didn't today."

"We didn't have love motivating us, Red," said Harley. "Since we do this time, we're sure to win."

"I wish I had your optimism, Harley," retorted Selina. "Plus Ivy and I are wounded, so starting from behind."

"Well, so are they," said Harley. "And we got some tricks up our sleeve. After all, in a life or death situation, I don't think anyone can blame us for cheating a little."

Ivy looked at her. "Are you saying you want me to use my plants?"

"I'm saying we should use every weapon to our advantage," retorted Harley.

"That's not very sportswomanlike…" began Selina.

"Screw sportswomanship – they're gonna kill Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "And I'm not gonna let it happen under any circumstances! It's time we started fighting back on their level, and their level is completely nuts! Everyone here is crazy!"

"You dated the Joker," pointed out Selina. "So you probably shouldn't talk."

"He's _my_ kinda crazy!" snapped Harley. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go see my boyfriend on what might be his last night alive!"

She stormed off, and Ivy and Selina shared a look. "You know, she's right," said Selina. "It could be their and our last night alive. You think we should forgive them and try and make peace before the end?"

Ivy shook her head. "Nah, I'm still mad," she said, heading off. "Maybe if we win, I'll think about forgiving them."


	14. Chapter 14

"So you're going the whole Shawshank Redemption route, huh?" asked Joker, watching as Batman began digging a tunnel in their cell. "I'm sure we can use that as a toilet if you wanna get the authentic experience…"

"Do you have a better idea?" demanded Batman, rounding on him.

"Yeah, let the ladies handle it," said Joker, shrugging. "I'm sure they can win this thing tomorrow all on their own, so we got nothing to worry about. We should get some well deserved shut-eye. Or are you saying you don't have faith in your girlfriend?"

"To win in single combat against an Amazon?" demanded Batman. "I do have faith in Selina, but that's asking a lot from anyone, and I'd rather be safe than sorry when my life is on the line!"

"Well, I have complete faith in Harley," said Joker, leaning back against the bars. "If I know my crazy little clown girl, she can beat anything, not because she's better, but because she fights dirty. Plus an insane opponent is completely unpredictable, and Harley's nothing if not insane thanks to me. She'll do fine."

"I'm not sure Ivy is gonna cheat and use her plants for me," muttered Two-Face. "But I sure hope so. To be honest, I'm just pleasantly surprised she agreed to fight a woman for me. She must care more than I thought."

"Or she's just inherently violent and enjoys fighting," said Joker. "I know Harley does. Harley enjoys it a lot…" he sighed, trailing off again and getting that faraway look for the second time that day.

"What are you doing?" asked Two-Face, studying him.

"Nothing," said Joker, snapping back to reality suddenly. "Just…thinking."

"Oh my God, were you fantasizing about Harley?" asked Two-Face.

"No!" snapped Joker. "I don't do that, because unlike you, I don't need sex! It's not a priority for me, and I do not take time out of my day to think about it!"

"I think you're just ashamed to admit that because of Harley, you've developed normal, human urges," retorted Two-Face. "Because that would be admitting that she's influenced you in some way."

"Which she hasn't," finished Joker, nodding. "I don't care about the useless little brat, and I told you, I'm beating her for slapping me. Beating her…real hard…"

"Just stop!" snapped Batman. "The last thing I want to think about is you having sexual urges, Joker!"

"Why not? You wanna join in?" asked Joker. "We could play 'Never Has My Girlfriend Ever,' though I suspect I would win that, since your dames have both been around the block more than a few times. On the other hand, Harley does some things in the sack that you wouldn't believe – just so you know, she does have a Batman costume…"

"Stop talking!" roared Batman, slamming Joker's face against the bars.

"Hey, pooh, we were just talking about you!" exclaimed Joker, smiling up with bloodied teeth at Harley, who had appeared at the cell just then.

"You let go of him, you big bully!" snapped Harley, reaching between the bars and shoving Batman away. Then she grabbed Joker by the lapels and slammed his face against the bars again.

"Ow! What was that for?" demanded Joker.

"For forgetting Valentine's Day, you selfish creep!" snapped Harley. "I haven't forgiven you for everything, you know, even if I am relieved to see you," she added, smiling.

"Aw, baby, c'mon," Joker said, smiling back. "You can't stay mad at me for that, especially since we might both die tomorrow."

"No, but I'd like an apology," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest.

Joker looked at her, and then looked over his shoulder at Batman and Two-Face. "What…right now?" he muttered. "Can't I do it later, like after we're dead tomorrow?"

"Mr. J, you have to stop this," snapped Harley. "I don't know why you think you'd lose face in front of the guys if you were genuine and honest with me, but there is nothing emasculating about admitting your feelings, or admitting when you were wrong. I know you care a lot about what Bats thinks, but he agrees with me, doncha, Bats?" she asked.

"Personally, I'd be a lot more comfortable if he talked about his feelings less," retorted Batman.

"Yeah, you know a guy who wears a mask and beats up people is real honest about his feelings," said Joker, sarcastically. "If he doesn't have to do it, why do I have to do it?"

"Because his girlfriend isn't as demanding as I am," retorted Harley.

"It's better to be honest," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "I used to spend a lot of my time hiding my feelings, and look what happened to me," he said, gesturing to his face. "Now I don't believe in concealing things. Which is ironically one of the reasons why Pammie doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, because she thinks me being open and honest means I'm concealing things from her. Apparently the guy who turned her half-plant used to be really demonstrative with his feelings, so she doesn't trust that now."

"Well, I'm not Red or Selina," said Harley. "I'm a straightforward gal, and all I want is for my boyfriend to apologize at the mistake he made, and say that he loves me. That's not asking too much, is it?"

"It's asking plenty!" snapped Joker. "I woulda thought being stuck here would have made you realize how lucky you are to have me, you ungrateful dame! If you want someone who talks about their feelings a lot, why doncha go date a woman?! Why don't you stay here on this island of touchy-feely broads, rather than come back to a real man?! Being open and honest is not who I am, being the Joker and all - the clue's in the name! And I am not changing who I am for you, you worthless brat! You'll take what you can get and like it, because that's what you deserve for trying to hone in on my greatness all these years!"

"Oh my God, I don't believe this!" shouted Harley. "I volunteer to fight for you when we could both die, and you won't even apologize for forgetting Valentine's Day! It's really the least you can do when I agree to sacrifice myself for you to a buncha crazy Amazons!"

"I didn't ask you to do that – I coulda taken 'em!" snapped Joker.

"Yeah, you were doing a great job when I arrived," said Harley, sarcastically. "If I hadn't come when I did, your head would be stuck on a pike somewhere as a warning to other men who try and set foot on this island!"

"A bunch of girls could never execute the Joker!" shouted Joker. "It's just not possible, especially not with Batsy here to save me!"

" _I_ saved you!" snapped Harley. "But fine, I'll go tell 'em I take back my single combat challenge, and let you die," she said, shrugging and turning away. "You can get yourself outta your own mess if you're gonna treat me like this."

" _My_ mess?!" repeated Joker. "We came here to rescue you, so it's your fault we're in this mess, and your responsibility to fix it!"

"And who asked you to rescue me?" demanded Harley.

"Nobody! I just missed…slapping you around!" snapped Joker.

Harley stared at him. "Yeah?" she asked. "You really missed that, Mr. J?"

"You can ask Batsy or Harvey," said Joker, nodding at them. "I threatened my way outta Arkham and on to this stupid island all because I missed beating you. They were content to let you gals remain here for as long as you wanted, but I insisted on getting you back to punish you violently for hitting me. If that ain't love, I don't know what is."

"No, you really don't," agreed Batman, shaking his head.

Harley approached the bars slowly. "You coulda beaten anyone," she said. "You coulda taken your rage out on an Arkham guard, or a henchman, or even Batsy…"

"Nah, it was you I was angry at," said Joker. "It was you I needed, Harley. Even if it meant me going to my doom. Nobody else would do but you."

"Oh…Mr. J!" gasped Harley, seizing him by the lapels again and planting a kiss on his lips. "You do love me! And you always know just how to show me!"

"I sure do, toots," agreed Joker, grinning at her. "And I'm more than ready to show you right now, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, Mr. J," repeated Harley, grinning back. "Doing it between the bars of a cell is really gonna take me back."

"Isn't it, Dr. Quinzel?" chuckled Joker, pulling her close. "Now c'mere, Doc – I got something really big to show you."

"Oh my God, they are not doing this now!" exclaimed Batman, staring at them in horror. "Not when I have to be in the same room with them!"

"They do it in Arkham a lot," sighed Two-Face. "You kinda just have to try to tune it out, because they make a lot of noise…"

"This is not happening!" shouted Batman, clapping his hands over his ears and shutting his eyes tightly. "I am not seeing this! I'm not! I'm digging this tunnel and getting us out of here so I am not trapped here for this!"

"You could always go and try to separate them…" began Two-Face.

"I'm not separating them, because they're not doing anything," interrupted Batman. "They're not, they're not, they're not. Sometimes denial is the best course of action," he added, as he resumed frantically digging the hole. "Because I can't hear anything, and I certainly can't see anything, so nothing is happening. And this totally isn't one of the worst days of my life, and isn't making me wish the Amazons had just executed me so I wouldn't have to experience this, which is nothing, because nothing is happening."

"This is actually a good lesson for you, Bats," Two-Face said. "Maybe next time you think about throwing us in Arkham, you'll remember what things are like with the clowns in there, and you'll think twice about it."

"I can't hear you, Harvey, because I've turned off the audio in my cowl," said Batman. "So I can't hear anything. And I can't see anything except this tunnel that I'm digging, so feel free to help me."

Two-Face sighed again, flipped his coin which landed good side up, and then went to go help Batman, leaving Joker and Harley to their happy reunion.


	15. Chapter 15

"Harley, where the hell have you been?" demanded Ivy, as Harley joined them on the battlefield just before dawn the next day. "Selina and I have been up all night getting ready for this fight, and you'd think you'd have joined us with the Joker's life on the line!"

"Sorry, Red, but I was a little…preoccupied," giggled Harley. "Or I guess that should be occupied. By Mr. J. Being inside me…"

"Oh my God, you had sex with him in jail?" demanded Selina. "Were Batman and Two-Face there?"

"Yeah, but I didn't really notice them – I don't really notice anything outside of me and Mr. J when we're together," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He's just so wonderful…"

"I don't wanna hear about it, Harley," interrupted Ivy. "And at least if we die today, I never will have to hear about it again, so that's a silver lining."

"We ain't gonna die, Red," said Harley, firmly. "We got our secret weapons."

" _Our_ secret weapons?" repeated Ivy. "I've got my plants – what secret weapons do you have?"

"I can't tell you – it's a secret," said Harley, putting a finger to her lips and grinning. "But it's a good 'un. Gonna knock the socks off these Amazons, if they wore socks, that is."

"It is dawn, sisters," announced Hippolyta, as she and her entourage descended from the palace. "Bring the prisoners to the playing field, and prepare yourselves for the fight of your lives."

Harley, Ivy, and Selina stared at the competition across from them – Hermione glaring at them with a patch covering her eye where Joker had stabbed her, Helen leaning heavily on her sword to support her wounded leg, and Artemis readying her bow and looking as if she had already won.

"I think you should take Helen, Selina, seeing as you both got wounded legs," said Ivy.

"And you're gonna take the one missing an eye, leaving Harley with the healthy one?" asked Selina. "That seems fair."

"Believe me, ladies, fair is the last thing we're gonna be," muttered Harley. "Also, evil Harry Potter's friend is mine," she said, pointing at Hermione. "You take Katniss over there."

"Who on earth is Katniss?" demanded Artemis.

"No men and no _Hunger Games_ on this island," sighed Harley, shaking her head. "And they call this place a paradise."

"It _is_ a paradise," retorted Artemis. "Or it was until your men crashed here and turned us against each other, as men always do. Women could live in peace and harmony if not for them."

"We fought before they got here too, y'know!" snapped Harley.

"That was a friendly match," retorted Artemis.

"You call that friendly?" demanded Harley.

"It will be, compared to how we treat you today," said Hermione. "If you side with men against us, you side with our enemy. You are traitors to the sisterhood of womankind, and you must be destroyed."

"Red calls me a traitor to womankind all the time," said Harley, shrugging. "I've stopped caring. Anyway, why would I side with someone just because they happen to be the same gender as me? If you're a jerk, you're a jerk, man or woman. And I prefer my jerk of a man to you female jerks. At least he tries to avoid the face when he hurts me. Though I gotta say, messing up your face might improve it, seeing as you're so ugly already…"

Hermione swung her javelin at her, and Harley ducked. "Missed me, cyclops," she said with a grin. "Try again."

"The fight will not begin until the prisoners arrive…" began Hippolyta, but Hermione ignored her, hurling her javelin at Harley again.

"Your disgusting man did this to me!" she roared. "And I will make you suffer for it!"

"You can try," said Harley, smiling. "But this harlequin has got a few tricks up her sleeve. Now, Red!"

As Hermione prepared to swing her javelin again, it was suddenly seized by a plant vine, which had slithered its way out of the undergrowth, joined by dozens of others. The vines surrounded the three Amazons, who began trying to cut them down.

"What sorcery is this?" demanded Artemis.

"It's a little power Red has, thanks to a man," said Harley, nodding.

"Harley, can you not remind me?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, it's true – without Jason, you wouldn't be able to control plants like this," said Harley, shrugging. "Even though some men can be horrible, there can be benefits to women in having them around."

"You could have picked a better example," growled Ivy.

"Stop this now!" commanded Hippolyta. "This is cheating! And we cannot have our fight until the prisoners are present! That is the law!"

"I dunno if anyone told you, Hippie, but we ain't the kinda gals who have a lotta respect for the law," retorted Harley. "Anyway, nobody wants to see a fair fight – where would be the fun in that?"

Wonder Woman suddenly rushed toward them from the palace. "Daughter, where are the prisoners?" asked Hippolyta.

"They've gone, Mother!" she exclaimed. "They've disappeared! They dug a tunnel in their cell floor – they must have escaped that way!"

"They didn't have time to dig a whole tunnel!" said Hippolyta, her eyebrows narrowing. "That's impossible!"

"Not for Batman when he's desperate to be distracted," muttered Selina. "And something tells me he was desperate to be distracted last night to ignore what the clowns were doing right next to him."

"They must not leave the island!" cried Hippolyta. "Find them! They cannot escape facing justice for their crime!"

"Somehow, Queenie, I think we will!" chuckled a familiar voice. "We always do, after all!"

"Oh. That was your secret weapon, huh?" asked Ivy, as Joker waved at them from the top of the hill overlooking the field. "Get the clown to cause a little chaos?"

"Not just the clown," replied Harley with a grin.

The Batwing suddenly flew over Joker's head. "Everyone stop this violence now," commanded Batman. "Fights to the death are no way to settle our differences of opinion on worldview or gender. So cease and desist before I open fire with non-lethal rounds."

"Aw, you had to spoil the fun and tell 'em they were non-lethal," muttered Joker, disappointed.

"Princess Diana, you can take out this metal monstrosity!" exclaimed Artemis.

"Wait, Princess Diana is here?" asked Joker. "Is Elvis here too?"

Wonder Woman leapt over him suddenly, her sword raised as she smashed it into the Batwing. "That's for my jet!" she snapped. "You do not come to my island and threaten me, Batman! You will respect the laws and customs of our land, not control everything as you seek to do in Gotham! This is my home, not yours, and just because our rules are different does not mean they are wrong!"

"They are when they're trying to kill me!" snapped Batman. "Killing is always wrong! There's always a better way, you know that, Diana!"

"Oh, _she's_ Princess Diana," said Joker, nodding. "That makes a lot more sense…"

"Land this now," commanded Wonder Woman. "And we will talk."

"Don't do it, Batman – it's a trap," said Two-Face, who was with Batman in the Batwing. "The coin said so…"

"I'm not controlled by a coin," growled Batman, landing the plane next to Joker.

"Nope, just by a woman!" chuckled Joker, making a whip-cracking noise which was abruptly silenced by Batman punching him in the face.

"I've shown I can be reasonable," said Batman, turning back to Wonder Woman. "Can you?"

"I am always reasonable," retorted Wonder Woman. She turned to face the Amazons. "We will have our battle, sisters, with one exception. No killing on either side. This will be a friendly match, and the men will be allowed to fight for themselves, with their women as their allies."

"That is not our law, daughter!" snapped Hippolyta. "We cannot choose which laws to obey and which laws to break on a whim!"

"But we can acknowledge that sometimes traditional laws should be modified as times progress," said Wonder Woman. "I am happy to have Themyscira remain as it is – a paradise for women only. But I am not happy to execute any man who sets foot on it. That is not a crime which should be punishable by death. Just by getting the crap kicked out of him by Amazons," she added.

"Ah, you're like Batsy who thinks death is the worst thing in the world, but horrific mutilation is just a fun evening out…" began Joker, before Batman punched him again.

"You're not going to ruin everything by opening your big mouth this time!" he hissed. "Thank you for taking such a reasonable position, Wonder Woman," he said, turning back to her.

"Bet that's not the first time you've said that about her position, huh, Batsy?" chuckled Joker, resulting in another punch from Batman.

"Mother, please," said Wonder Woman, appealing to her. "My sisters, can we not forgive them for their trespass? After all, they are only men, and can't be blamed for being a little foolish."

"Say that to my face, sweetheart…" began Joker, but he was cut off by a punch from Two-Face this time.

"I'm fighting the clown," announced Hermione, readying her javelin as she glared at Joker.

"Clowns," corrected Harley, coming over to stand next to him. "Bring it."

"I do not have the authority to change Aphrodite's Law, or to make an exception," said Hippolyta. "It must be put to a vote. Sisters, how many of you wish to have our fight to the death, as planned?"

A good number of Amazons raised their hands. "And how many wish this to be a friendly match?" asked Hippolyta. "Men can't vote!" she snapped, as Batman and Two-Face raised their hands.

"Stupid sexist island, I tell ya…" muttered Joker.

"You didn't even vote," retorted Two-Face.

"That's because I'm never gonna vote for not killing, Harv – it's just goes against my nature," said Joker.

"The women have spoken," said Hippolyta, nodding. "There shall be no killing today. But I warn you not to assume that we are always so forgiving. Had my daughter not been here to plead your case, the law would have been carried out. You men do not deserve her."

"Oh yeah, she's a real hero," said Joker, sarcastically. "We should definitely all worship her and all of you for forgiving us when we've actually done nothing wrong and just broken some stupid, unjust law which is horribly discriminatory in the first place…"

He was cut off this time by Harley kissing him. "Please, Mr. J, let's just shut up long enough to get outta here," she murmured. "And then we can insult them all to our heart's content. Believe me, I'll be the one leading the insults."

"Ladies, let us fight with honor," said Wonder Woman, drawing her sword. "I shall join with Artemis, Hermione, and Helen against Ivy, Selina, Harley, and their men. And may the best sex win," she added.

"Well, that settles it," said Ivy, throwing up her hands. "I can't fight against women in a battle of the sexes. You guys are on your own," she said, heading over to the opposite team.

"Well, I'm fighting with the guys," said Harley, cuddling Joker.

"And I'm fighting for one guy," said Selina, standing beside Batman.

Ivy growled. "Fine," she muttered, joining them again. "But just so you know, I'm on the side of the women in spirit."

"We are outnumbered," said Artemis.

"Yes, but we are women," pointed out Wonder Woman, smiling. "So that shouldn't be a problem."


	16. Chapter 16

"Let the friendly fight begin," said Hippolyta, and Wonder Woman and Artemis charged Batman and Selina.

"Ok, what's your plan?" asked Selina, raising her whip.

"You disarm the archer – I'll take Wonder Woman," said Batman, using his gauntlets to block her blows.

"Well, you taking Wonder Woman isn't an image I wanted, but thanks for that," muttered Selina, as she dodged an arrow from Artemis.

"We should use your plants," said Two-Face, as Helen charged him and Ivy with her sword raised.

"I'm definitely not cheating in a battle of the sexes!" snapped Ivy.

"But I don't have any weapons, and you don't have any weapons, so we need something to fight with," said Two-Face.

"Tough. I'm not sacrificing my babies to prove that men are better than women," retorted Ivy, taking a seat on the ground. "I'm taking an ideological stand. Or seat, I guess."

Two-Face sighed. "I should probably run, right?" he asked, flipping the coin. It landed good side up, and Two-Face obeyed it, trying to find something he could use as a weapon.

Meanwhile, Hermione started toward Joker and Harley with her javelin raised. They shared a look, and smiled. "Ready, pooh?" asked Joker.

"Ready, Mr. J," said Harley.

"Stop! Hammer time!" chuckled Joker, as Harley took her club and then leapt into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his neck and then hung down, holding out her club as he spun her around, firing off rounds from both his guns in either hand.

"You can't touch this!" chuckled Joker.

Two-Face had been running toward them, hoping to borrow Joker's weapon, but immediately stopped as repeating rounds began firing in his direction. "Harley, go!" shouted Joker, and Harley pulled herself up onto Joker's shoulders and leapt off him, shooting herself straight into Helen, who had been chasing Two-Face. Harley clubbed her across the skull hard enough to knock her out, and then stood up.

"One down!" she exclaimed.

"Thanks, I owe you," said Two-Face. "Turns out Pammie isn't going to compete on the side of men, which I guess makes sense. Still, I was kinda hoping she cared enough about me not to want to see me horribly maimed…"

"Too late for that, half-face," growled Hermione, throwing her javelin straight toward him. It was suddenly stopped by a plant vine seizing it inches from Two-Face.

"Tell anyone about this, and you're dead," said Ivy, seriously, as her vine shot the javelin back at Hermione, hitting her in the arm.

"Geez, that's your throwing arm – that sucks," commented Joker, who suddenly slammed a rubber chicken into her face. Unfortunately for her, the rubber chicken had a brick in it, and she fell to the ground, unconscious. "She didn't see that one coming!" chuckled Joker, twirling the rubber chicken by its head. "And not just because I took her eye out yesterday!"

"See, this is great!" exclaimed Harley. "When we all work together, we can overcome anything, no matter what gender we are!"

"Save the victory speeches, Harl – a little help over here!" shouted Selina, who was struggling with Artemis, while Batman and Wonder Woman were still evenly matched.

"Coming, kittypie!" chuckled Joker. "Looks like it's up to the guys to rescue the gals, as always…"

"Shut up, you sexist pig!" snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way and hurrying to Selina's aid.

Joker shrugged. "Suits me – I'm helping my pal Bats…"

"You stay the hell away from me!" snapped Batman.

Joker shrugged again. "Fine, I won't help anyone fight – see if I care," he muttered, sitting down on the field.

"I don't know about you, puddin', but clubbing people unconscious has really gotten me in the mood again," murmured Harley, coming over to him and draping her arms around him. "You wanna have a little sex battle of our own?"

"Honestly, Harl, you are so greedy," retorted Joker. "We had hours traumatizing Bats yesterday – wasn't that enough?" Then he grinned. "But I bet it is something not a lotta these Amazons have seen before. I guess we could educate them on how much fun a man and a woman can have together, if they're not separated by stupid, sexist laws."

Ivy had managed to tackle Artemis to the ground, while Selina tied her up with her whip, leaving only Wonder Woman. "If you can somehow chain her bracelets together, that immobilizes her!" shouted Selina at Batman.

"I know!" shouted Batman.

"Wait, how do you know?" demanded Selina.

"Not the time or the place for this discussion!" shouted back Batman.

"We should leave them to it," said Ivy. "I don't want Batman to win this fight, because I think Wonder Woman is inherently the better and more powerful fighter, being a woman."

"Well, I think Bats is the better fighter," retorted Selina.

"Well, one of us is wrong," retorted Ivy. "And I know it's not me, because women are just better than men."

"Not all women, and not this man!" snapped Selina.

"I guess we'll just have to see who's right, won't we?" demanded Ivy. "And this will decide it once and for all. A peak specimen of manhood and a peak specimen of womanhood, battling it out with no interference. The winner of this will prove which is the superior gender."

Everyone on the island watched the fight with bated breath and intense concentration, for the two opponents were perfectly matched, and there was no clear indication of who the winner would be. It was a tense battle which no one could turn away from…

And which was suddenly interrupted by some loud, unholy noises. "What in Hera's name is that?" demanded Wonder Woman, pausing in the fight.

"Oh, I know," said Ivy, shuddering.

"And Batman knows too, having heard it all yesterday," said Two-Face, nodding.

"Oh, puddin'! Oh, yes! Oh, what a man!"

"Yeah, let's see a woman do this, toots!"

"Oh my God, the gals here don't know what they're missing, living without this! Oh, puddin', yes! Work that rubber chicken!"

"Whatever you do, don't look at them!" exclaimed Batman, clapping his hands to his ears again and shutting his eyes. "You'll never be able to erase it from your memory!"

"Can't you make them stop?" demanded Wonder Woman, covering her own ears.

"You go over there and do it!" snapped Batman. "I'm not taking the risk of seeing them! Let's just get the hell away from it!"

"We'll head back to the palace," said Wonder Woman, sheathing her sword. "And prepare a feast as a celebration of a friendly match ending in a draw," she said, holding out her hand to Batman.

Batman hastily took it, and then hurried toward the palace, followed quickly by everyone else on the island except for Joker and Harley.

"You know what, pooh?" asked Joker, lazily smoking a cigarette later. "We probably just saved gender equality. Thanks to us, the battle of the sexes ended in a tie, proving that both sides are just as equal, and just as equally repulsed by having to hear other people make whoopie cushion."

"You're a real hero, puddin'," purred Harley, cuddling him and kissing his cheek.

"Yes, I am, pooh," agreed Joker, beaming. "Yes, I am."


	17. Chapter 17

"Well, that was fun," said Joker, as he sat cuddling Harley on his lap as they all flew back home in the Batwing. The others in the plane sat in sullen silence, Batman staring straight ahead and trying to ignore Selina throwing up next to him.

"I guess this will teach me to never challenge an Amazon to a drinking contest," she muttered.

"Don't feel bad – we all fell for it," muttered Ivy, who was a slightly queasier shade of green than normal.

"I blame the coin," said Two-Face, who looked like he was about to join Selina in burying his face in a bag.

"Oh, you always blame the coin – take some responsibility for yourself for once in your life, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "You didn't want to feel emasculated by being out-drunk by a woman, that's all!"

"I think Harv is pretty used to feeling emasculated, being in a relationship with you," commented Joker.

"We're not in a relationship!" snapped Ivy.

"We're not – she just saved my life out of spite," muttered Two-Face. "Because with the headache I've got right now, I'd rather be dead."

"Where'd you sneak off to with Princess Di, Batsy?" asked Joker, casually. "I saw you two leaving the party together last night…"

"I didn't sneak off – I don't know what you're talking about," interrupted Batman, a little too hastily, as Selina raised her head from the bag it was buried in to glare at him.

"What _is_ he talking about?" she demanded.

"He's trying to cause trouble, because he's the Joker, and that's what he does!" snapped Batman. "Or do you actually trust the man who has literally no shame about having sex in public?"

"Twice," reminded Harley, cuddling Joker happily.

"Yeah, it was the best Valentine's Day in a while," agreed Joker, nodding.

"How can you say that?!" demanded Two-Face, rounding on him. "We went to this crazy, women-only island, and they tried to kill us! And then we fought this so-called friendly battle which wasn't so friendly, which ended in a tie and all of us trying to get away from you and Harley having public sex, and then we had this celebratory feast which turned into a drinking competition that the women were determined to win!"

"There were no winners last night," muttered Ivy, clutching her head. "Everyone lost."

"And what part of that is not the best Valentine's Day in a while?" asked Joker, puzzled. "Think about what you just said. It had it all – adventure, excitement, danger, random acts of violence, public displays of romance, and the risk that we could all be executed at any time by a bunch of crazed Amazons!"

"Puddin', don't remind me, you'll get me in the mood again," purred Harley, kissing him.

"Clearly doesn't take much," muttered Selina.

"I'm glad you enjoyed your time on Themyscira, Joker," said Batman. "Because we're heading straight back to Arkham to lock you all up again for a long time. And then I am going on a flight to Hawaii with my girlfriend, just like I promised her."

"Oh, we are not doing that today," said Selina. "The flying is not helping with the hangover, and I am not about to get on another plane anytime soon."

"Oh, he was talking about you?" asked Joker. "I thought maybe he meant Princess Di…"

"Diana is not my girlfriend," snapped Batman.

"Really? Then you probably shouldn't be doing the things I saw you doing with her," said Joker, nodding. "I always suspected you were into dominant type dames, with the whips and the lassos, but it was still shocking to see it…"

"You didn't see anything, because we didn't do anything!" shouted Batman, rounding on him.

"Ok, whatever you say, Bats," said Joker. "You didn't do anything."

Batman turned back around, and Selina turned to look at Joker, who nodded vigorously.

"So we're going to Hawaii tomorrow?" asked Batman of Selina.

"We'll see," she muttered, looking at him suspiciously.

Joker chuckled madly. "Well, my work here is done," he said. "And since I don't have any desire to go back to Arkham at the moment, and since I think we're just about over Niagara Falls, I'll be seeing you losers around."

"What are you talking about?" demanded Batman. "You're in an airplane! You don't have anywhere to…"

But he stopped talking abruptly as the seat Joker was sitting on suddenly ejected, shooting him into the air. He pulled the straps of the seat onto his back, and then pulled a string, and a parachute billowed out.

"You think I spent all that time flying and not thinking of an escape plan?" he chuckled, as he sailed past Batman. "You really don't know me at all, do ya, Bats?"

"Bye, Red, bye, Selina, bye, Harvey!" said Harley, waving at them with one hand as she clutched Joker tightly with the other. "We'll send you a postcard from Niagara Falls! Or maybe a picture of us going over the falls in a barrel! Though, y'know, we might not be decent – being in mortal peril of life and limb really gets both of our engines revving!"

"Speaking of which, my scrumptious little cupcake," murmured Joker. "We are about 30,000 feet up, and I didn't do a safety check on this equipment. For all we know, this parachute could have a hole in it, and we could plummet to ours deaths."

"Oh, puddin'," purred Harley, throwing both arms around his neck and kissing him passionately.

"Are you going after them?" demanded Ivy, as the parachute drifted lazily downwards, with the two clowns locked in each other's arms.

"Not yet," retorted Batman. "I'm getting you both back to Arkham first."

"Fine by me – Arkham has aspirin," muttered Two-Face.

"Have you asked your coin's permission to take aspirin?" asked Ivy.

Two-Face sighed, flipping his coin. It landed bad side up, and he glared at it. "You know, I've had just about enough of you," he growled at it. "First you make me leave Arkham, and then you make me follow J and Batman to that stupid island, and then you make me drink too much, but denying me painkillers is really the last straw. I'm seriously starting to think about just ignoring you."

"There's painkillers in the overhead compartment," said Batman, nodding upward.

"Why didn't you say so earlier?" demanded Selina, as she and Ivy scrambled to open it and fought over the bottle.

"Harvey?" asked Ivy, holding out the bottle after she had downed several pills.

Two-Face nodded slowly. "To heck with the coin," he muttered, taking the pills and swallowing them. "I need this."

"I'm proud of you, Harvey," said Ivy, nodding. "Ignoring the coin is quite a breakthrough. You keep this up, and I might consider being your girlfriend again."

Two-Face stared at her. "You mean…officially or…just more of what we have now?"

"I mean next Valentine's Day, you might get to buy me jewelry," said Ivy. "But no flowers, or I'll kill you," she added, seriously.

"Ah, love," said Batman, sarcastically. "Truly the greatest thing in the world."

 **The End**


End file.
